Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek from A Regal Affair who wrote to me with this question:  do same-sex couples change their last names after marriage?  What are some trends you've seen?

• Same-sex couples who have been together for years are most likely to keep their original last names.
• Same-sex couples who are 35 and younger are more inclined to changing their names.

I've seen hyphenated last names - like my wife, Jennifer Coveney-Smith.  I've seen non-hyphenated like me, Bernadette Coveney Smith (yes, we did something different).  I've seen one partner take the others' last name, like my brides who are getting married on Saturday, who will both use the last name of DeMarco.  

But I love it when same-sex couples invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as they begin a new life together, they do so with a new name.  

Examples:
Old names: Caulfield and Stansberry
New last name:  Stansfield (merging Caulfield and Stansberry)

Old names:  Zeitlin and Sakash
New name:  Zash

What does this mean for you in the wedding industry?  First, don't assume that you'll know what the couple is doing.  Second, if you know it, use their new last names in post-wedding correspondence.   Third, be mindful that it's much easier for a legally married individual to change his or her name than someone who is not legally married.  All my clients have to show is a certified copy of their marriage license, like any other person.  Same-sex couples who have commitment ceremonies and are not legally married have to go through their state's name change process (which typically involves petitioning a judge).  I talked to a couple recently who were denied the name change by a homophobic judge.

What have you seen some couples do regarding their last names after marriage?

I'm an AmeriCorps alum and our slogan is "putting idealism to work."  I think being a producer of gay weddings and an educator about gay weddings is a pretty idealistic career. 

I love meeting wedding vendors who say to me, "I'm so supportive of gay marriage. There's no difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding.  Love is love is love!"

It's very sweet.  And it's very idealistic.  And then I hear stories like the one I heard from Lacy Branch in St. Louis where she got a call from a same-sex couple and she was the only planner in her area who would talk to them.  And the story from Kelly Karli in Vail who received a call from a guy almost embarrassed to tell her that he wants to go in drag on his wedding day. And these stories are part of the reasons gay weddings are different.

Of course when I was 27 and my company was brand new, I was ultra-idealistic and while I still have a good solid sense of that idealism, the reality of spending six years working with couples seeking acceptance and equality changes that.  I'd love to put myself out of business someday.  But until then, it's important to remind yourself that gay weddings are different.

Just ask any same-sex couple living in one of the 45 states where their relationship is not recognized.

If you're a wedding vendor who believes that "love is love is love" and you still have photos of straight couples plastered all over your site with the phrase "bride and groom" everywhere, then please start walking the talk.

"Thank God for Massachusetts for letting us come here to get married!"

That's what one of my grooms said at a recent gay wedding during his toast to his friends and family.  These guys and all of their guests (about 20 of them) came here from Florida, spending about $20,000 over the course of the weekend. The Massachusetts economy thanks them.

Did you know that according to Forbes magazine, nationwide legalization of gay marriage is projected to boost the overall wedding industry by $9.5 BILLION a year?

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek for her great question asking me to dispel some gay wedding myths.  If you have any questions for me about gay weddings, gay wedding traditions, the business of gay wedding, marketing, etc, please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer here in the blog.

So, gay wedding myths....

• Myth:  a gay wedding is the same as a straight wedding, except with two partners of the same gender.  Reality: gay weddings have their own traditions, their own family dynamics and their own personalities and require a different layer of knowledge and sensitivity.
• Myth:  gay men will want to dress in drag, wear a gown, wear makeup, carry a bouquet, and otherwise be non-masculine.  Reality:  I've never had a groom in a dress.  It's rare and uncommon.
• Myth: gay grooms won't need a wedding planner because they secretly want to be a wedding planner (or already are one).  Reality:  gay men are just as busy as the rest of us and many have no interest in wedding/event planning.  I've planned many weddings for gay men.
• Myth:  lesbians are cheap and have bad taste and their weddings will be reflect that!  Reality:  lesbians want beautiful, elegant, and lavish weddings also.  I've planned many of them!
• Myth:  in a lesbian marriage, one will assume a male and one will assume a female role and will dress accordingly at their wedding.  Reality:  42% of lesbian weddings have two brides in two dresses and many relationships have no gender role dynamic.
• Myth:  two brides = two bridezillas!  Reality:  It's just not true.  Lesbian brides have no greater tendency towards drama than her heterosexual counterpart.  

What other stereotypes have you heard about gay weddings?

A funny thing has happened in the past six years.  Same-sex couples meet, fall in love, get engaged and then get married.  And at least here in most of New England and now DC and Iowa, getting married and planning for a gay wedding has become the "normal" next step in a relationship.  It's legal and a legitimate, common option for couples.  Most of these weddings have no overt political agenda - they're just about the love of two people. 

Two of our dear friends recently got engaged after a 18 months of dating and will probably be marrying sometime in the next year or so.  And to us, and to our other friends, this is just what happens now.  Marriage is legal and gay weddings are happening all over the place, and then after the wedding, lots of gay and lesbian families (like ours) plan for kids.  

In those states where gay marriage is not yet legal (45 states!), you'll see the same phenomenon.  Some couples in those states are still having non-legal commitment ceremonies but the reality is that real, legal gay marriages are going to come, and when they do, the whole wedding and honeymoon industry going to change.  It'll be revolutionary and then it'll normalize, just like it has in the places that it is legal.

The trick is get yourself ready now.

What are you doing to prepare your business?

I was asked on Twitter recently if same-sex couples typically get ready together before the wedding.  It's a great question and something a lot of wedding vendors don't even think about.

Yes, most same-sex couples get ready together before the wedding.  The two brides have their hair and makeup done together.  If they have a wedding party, that group is all together.  Formal photos (even with family) are then taken before the ceremony so that once the wedding officially starts, there are no interruptions for formal pics.  Cocktail hour is spent enjoying cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

Why is this?  A few reasons:

• Partners are often each other's best friend and closest confidante.  They value each other's opinion on how one looks and they want to enjoy the little quiet moments together before they're officially married.
• Gay wedding ceremonies are often in the same location as the reception, and that ceremony time often cuts into the 5 hour rental, thereby reducing the length of the reception (sometimes couples will book the space for an additional hour).  With such a short reception, why sacrifice any of it to formal photos?

Cooper and Tim getting ready.   Photo by Gretje Ferguson

Now, I said that's what most couples do; I've had a several (fewer than ten couples, all women) choose to wait on seeing each other and have the "first look" captured by the photographer.  Those couples have seen each other for the first time as they go down the aisle(s).  

To find out what your client wants to do, ask, don't assume.  Simply ask, "Are you getting ready together?" and "Will there be formal photos taken before the wedding ceremony?"  Those open-ended questions will get you the information you need without making anyone uncomfortable.

Are your clients planning to get ready together?

A few weeks ago I was in a clothing designer's studio taking a bride to be fitted for a custom pants suit.  Things were going really well and we made a follow up appointment.

Later that week, that bride's fiancee called me asking to cancel the second appointment with the clothing designer.  Why?

Because the bride's 87 year old mother said to her, "You better not be dressed like a man on your wedding day."

So instead of wearing a custom suit that she was really digging on, the next week we had her trying on wedding dresses.  And she looked and felt like a fish out of water.  I took her to places where the wedding dresses were simpler (like J Crew) but we didn't have any luck finding her something she'd be comfortable in - and that's because she'd be more comfortable in a suit.

This situation hasn't resolved itself yet.  How would you handle this situation?  As you work with lesbian brides, you might find yourself in a very similar situation.

As the news became official that the District of Columbia was going to legalize gay marriage, a startup company called GLBT Wedding Services created an event designed to set the Guinness world record of the most number of couples married at the same time.  The previous record was 168 straight couples and the company was aiming for 400 same-sex couples.  It's a very sweet idea and if it worked, would have been pretty cool to see.

Unfortunately, only 10 couples participated.

There's a lesson in this that should be noted as gay marriage becomes legal in other places.   Mike Crawford says it best in this Washington Post article:  "We have been waiting a long time for gay couples to be able to marry, so people are focused on creating events that are going to be really special," says Mike Crawford, co-chairman of DC for Marriage. "And it's hard to be special when you're getting married with hundreds of couples you don't know."

The bottom line is this - gay marriage is rare, sacred and historic.  There aren't very many places where it's legal and only roughly 10% of the population is LGBT.  Gay couples aren't to be tokenized as gay marriage becomes legal.  Marriage is an important institution.  It means something special.  

And you have to be authentic to reach this market.  

How do you feel about large group marriages - even if you're straight?  Is that something you would ever do?

You may have noticed that the Obama administration recently made a high profile transgender appointment.  It's a giant leap forward for transgender visibility in Washington, DC.  That article I linked to, incidentally, was written by a client of mine, Joanne Herman, author of the book Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not. I highly recommend her articles and book for no-nonsense, no jargon explanations.