Gay Weddings are Good for Business

The Role of a Photographer at a Gay Wedding

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, February 03, 2010

A few things to note for photographers who are shooting gay weddings:

It's very common for gay couples to get prepared for their gay wedding together. They often see each other before the ceremony so if there's hair and makeup to be done, it's usually done together. There are some great opportunities for intimate getting ready photos and I always encourage my clients to book the photographer long enough to get that coverage.
This means that you might not capture that wonderful "first look" photo.
Many gay couples have their formal photos taken before the wedding, rather than during cocktail hour. A few reasons why but it comes down to wanting to enjoy cocktail hour. Also, if the ceremony and reception are in the same location, the rental period is often still 5 hours (as opposed to 5 hours just for the reception) so I like to keep my couples present and engaged during that entire time, not have them whisked away for up to an hour for photos.
Gay couples often process down two aisles during the gay wedding ceremony, or walk in from two different directions. This is notable because a site visit is a good idea in order to determine where to stand so you can pivot to capture both partners' processional. If you can't identify a good position, you may consider speaking with your client about hiring a second shooter.
Finally, gay wedding receptions are an exercise in omission rather than addition. You'll notice very few formal dances, no bouquet or garter toss, and sometimes not even a cake cutting.

Have you noticed these trends when shooting gay weddings?

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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Top secret confidential post for wedding planners who want to reach the gay wedding market.

This is how it's different.

You are 1 part wedding planner (this you already know)

+

1 part lawyer (the legalities of where it's legal, where it's recognized and where LGBT rights are protected)

+

1 part advocate (see the coming out post)

+

1 part researcher (see the vendor screening post)

+

1 part counselor (there will be an upcoming post about family involvement or lack thereof)

Planning a gay wedding is different - but it's so worth it.

Comments

Andrinique Special Events commented on 27-Jan-2010 01:27 PM

Great, informative blog

Coming Out

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 25, 2010

Coming out (of the closet) is the ongoing process of telling people that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. It may start with friends, continue on to family, then co-workers, then neighbors and so on every time new people enter your life. Being LGBT is not as obvious as being a person of color, for example, so the process of coming out is ongoing.

As a wedding vendor, why should you care?

Each wedding involves 43 different vendors, on average. Everyone from the hair and makeup people, to the limo driver, to the coat check guy. And when gay couples are planning their wedding, they have to come out over and over and over again - to all of these people. The ones they hire and the ones they do not. Every time they visit a venue or taste cake, they must come out. Every time they interview a florist or a wedding planner, they must come out. This could mean coming out 100+ times over the course of wedding planning.

In many places (about half of the US states), it's legal for vendors to say, "I can't help you. I don't do gay weddings."

If you want to work with gay couples, you must keep this in mind every day and come out on behalf of your clients. What are you doing to make it safe for your gay and lesbian clients to come out?

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What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You'd think after 6 years as a gay wedding planner, I'd have all the answers on this subject. I can tell you that for lesbian brides, figuring out what to wear is one of the greatest wedding planning stressors - and that most of the ones I've worked with want something ready to wear, not custom made. Here's what I've seen:

brides in two black cocktail dresses
brides in two white/off-white wedding gowns
brides in two white/off-white dresses (I wouldn't exactly call them gowns because they were simpler)
brides in two white suits
brides in two black suits
brides in two dresses that matched their wedding colors
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a black suit/tux
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a white/off-white suit/tux

How's that for variety? Here are some tips when working with lesbian brides on their choice of attire:

Don't pass judgement based on whatever choices they make.
Don't assume that one or both partners will wear a wedding dress or gown. Instead ask, "What are you wearing?"
Do some research on your own as to what bridal shop is gay-friendly or gay-owned so you can pass a good referral.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can make a custom suit.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can tailor the heck out of a men's suit to fit a woman's figure.
Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned businesses (either brick and mortar or web) who can sell a high quality ready to wear white or black suit or tux for a woman.

What have you seen lesbian brides wear to their gay wedding? Do you already have these resources identified in your community?

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Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 15, 2010

This is a real life conversation that happened during setup of one of my clients' gay weddings:

Banquet Manager: Where are the bride and groom sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

(a few minutes later)

Banquet Manager: I'm sorry, can you remind me where the bride and groom are sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

Banquet Manager: OK....then where are the two grooms sitting?

Now, I knew that this Banquet Manager wasn't homopobic because the owner of the catering company (her boss) is gay and so were some of her colleagues. She was, in fact, very nice.

But her immediate thought after hearing me say that there were two brides was not to think that this was a same-sex wedding - but rather to think that it was a double wedding, with two straight couples.

I mention this because gay weddings are not on most people's radars. Most of the world is not used to gay weddings and if you are a wedding planner, you will have similar conversations. This is an example of heterosexism.

If you've worked at gay weddings, have you ever had a similar conversation? Or if not, do you have an example of a vendor making assumptions about your clients?

Comments

Juliet Douglas commented on 15-Jan-2010 06:39 PM

I had an October wedding for a lesbian couple last October and surprisingly we didn't have any conversations like that! The only slip up was when the amenity from the hotel read "Mr & Mrs.". I believe the hotel was not aware because one of the brides had somewhat of a unisex name. My sweet couple told me about it but had a good laugh.

RIck Aguilar commented on 15-Jan-2010 09:23 PM

Dear Bernadette,
I had a similar experience in Chicago when I was photographing a gay wedding at a public garden. We had overheard someone asking another member of the wedding party if the two ladies were marring one man,I guess he couldn't fathom two women being together?? But as continued to take photos we also heard a little girl ask her mother what was going on and after she told her the girls response was one day I am going to marry my best friend too! That story we did share with the couple.

Tips for DJs and Bands at Gay Weddings

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A few things that wedding planners, DJs and band leaders should note related to the flow of gay weddings:

In many cases, the gay wedding ceremony will be in the same place as the reception and the ceremony space will be flipped during cocktail hour to get ready for dinner. Setup of the DJ will need to happen either before the ceremony or quickly during cocktail hour. Setup for the band will have to happen during cocktail hour, with some light setup before the ceremony.
Often, the DJ or band may be asked to play or perform ceremony music because the processional and recessional songs are frequently not your traditional classical pieces but rather fun pop songs.
You should prepare yourself and offer your clients a list of pop songs you think would be suitable for a processional and a recessional.
There probably won't be a large wedding party, if there is one at all, so in some cases for the DJ, this may require splicing a song or fading to fit a quicker processional time.
The announcement and introductions will likely be just of the newlyweds, not their entire wedding party (because the wedding party is typically small, if there even is one).
In many cases, there are no parent-child dances, and the only structured dance is the first dance.
In most cases, there is no garter or bouquet toss.
And in about 50% of my weddings, there isn't even a cake cutting.
Above all, don't play "When a Man Loves a Woman".

I'll talk about music in another post - but in the meantime, have you noticed any trends related to the flow of gay weddings that may affect DJs or bands?

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No Gay Marriage? No Problem!

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 28, 2009

Gay marriage isn't legal in most places so for many wedding vendors, it makes sense for gay weddings to not even be on their radar. Makes complete sense. But if you are gay-friendly and want to get ready anyway, there are a few things you can start doing in the meantime:

1) Volunteer for some local or national marriage equality group, or somewhere like HRC. If you support the gays, they will support you.

2) Neutralize the language on your website and in your marketing materials to avoid implying that you work only with heterosexual couples.

3) Read this blog! I'll talk a lot about laws, gay wedding traditions and tips for vendors.

4) Start making a list of other vendors in your area you know to be pro-gay weddings.

These tips will get you on the right path so that when gay marriage does come to your state, you can be ready.

What are you doing to prepare your business for gay weddings even if they seem to be a distant dream?

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Marion commented on 28-Dec-2009 11:38 AM

Great suggestions. I used to say "Weddings and Civil Unions," but now that gay marriage is legal in Vermont I've struggled with what language I should use to be clearly inclusive.

I ended up including a Gay Marriage in Vermont resource page to my web site http://bit.ly/YIvNe

What You Can Learn from MyKateParkerWedding.com

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, December 23, 2009

For the past month and a half, I've been working with Kate Parker to make her new website, www.mykateparkerwedding.com inclusive of all couples. I've made some changes to their language and photos so that gay and straight couples will feel comfortable. I've written some expert advice articles for the site so that engaged gay and lesbian couples who find themselves there will realize that they are welcome and that there is content just for them. And you'll even see some real gay weddings up on the site.

This is all very significant for a number of reasons:

The site itself is very cool, intuitively and smartly designed, very useful for couples and vendors. It's a great resource for any couple that I'm proud to be associated with.
There are currently two wedding worlds on the internet - the straight wedding world (such as TheKnot.com and Brides.com) and the gay wedding world (such as GayWeddings.com, SoYoureEnGAYged.com). MyKateParkerWedding.com is the first online wedding resource to seamlessly integrate both worlds. The key word is integration (which requires a certain degree of fearlessness).
Some vendors listed on MyKateParkerWedding.com have been trained by me on how to work with gay couples and others are coming to my upcoming workshop.

Check out the site - I think you'll see some of the tips I've been discussing in these blog posts at work in the site.

In an ideal world, there won't need to be gay wedding websites and straight wedding websites, but we're just not there yet. MyKateParkerWedding.com is the first site of its kind to even come close and I'm really proud of what they're doing.

Comments

Kelly Prizel commented on 23-Dec-2009 10:29 AM

Do you know if every vendor on MyKateParkerWedding.com is willing to work with the LGBT community? This may be too early a question to ask as it's in the demo stages, but I was interested to see how MKPW will continue to support equality in terms of vendor listings.
With all your amazing articles and gender neutral language, I'm not getting married, but I'm on their newsletter list now!
I can't wait for it's release and can't wait to see what you have been working so hard on!

Bernadette commented on 23-Dec-2009 10:58 AM

Kelly, that hasn't been determined yet. All of the vendors on the site are aware of the partnership with 14 Stories and some have proactively sought training. Many others have not but I'm confident that's not a testament to their gay-friendliness or lack thereof. Distinguishing between those that have been vetted and those that have not is a barrier we are working on. Thanks so much for your comment.

Washington Post Mention

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 21, 2009

I was so pleased yesterday to see the Washington Post's article about how wedding industry vendors are preparing to reach the gay and lesbian wedding market. I was interviewed by the Post last week for this story. You can read the article here.

My additional thoughts:

DC officials have projected a $22 million increase in the economy in three years, due to gay weddings - but the prestigious Williams Institute estimates the amount at $52 million. I'm not sure where the DC figure comes from but would love to learn more.
GayWeddings.com and OutVite.com are great resources for both couples and vendors. GayWeddings.com is a great place to advertise and planners should familiarize themselves with the invitation line available there and at OutVite.com.
I'm familiar with the Kimpton properties in Boston and some other cities and they are fabulous. Gay couples like them because they have a great inclusive diversity policy. They are also pet-friendly and have a wine hour every evening. They are a great option in the contemporary luxury hotel category because of their inclusiveness and boutique feel.
You can read more about the dangerous Defense of Marriage Act here.

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Should Your 2010 Marketing Plan Include a LGBT Strategy?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 14, 2009

We all know that we can't be every couple's planner, photographer, DJ, venue etc. We can't. We have to pre-qualify our clients and we have to know who our target market is. Once we do, we can create a specific marketing strategy. I know that as 2010 approaches, many of us are re-evaluating our marketing strategy for the new year, and one of the questions that is being asked is, "Should I begin marketing to gay and lesbian couples? Should I start working on gay weddings?"

It's fair to say no. Your business might not be ready. You may live in a conservative area or have a very traditional client base. I understand that marketing to gay couples and working on gay weddings can involve risk and that it requires authentic courage and authentic action.

Whatever your choice is and whatever the reason for your choice, I'm not personally offended - the reality is that it's a business decision. And if you don't want to reach this market, someone else will.

My goal with this site in 2010 is to help wedding industry vendors learn how to be inclusive in a way that doesn't change your brand or your identity, that helps you and helps gay and lesbian couples without alienating your primary heterosexual market. It can be done.

Are you planning to add a LGBT marketing strategy into your 2010 marketing plan?

Comments

Danny commented on 14-Dec-2009 07:01 PM

Interesting post…
As a gay business owner catering to a mostly heterosexual client base I have misstepped before when a couple contacted me for a consultation and didn't disclose that they were a same sex couple. So I sent them my usual questionnaire complete with sections for bride and groom. One of the brides who returned the form was pleasant, but understandable coy about disclosing that they were a same sex couple. It made me feel awful that they may have felt disrespected somehow, but I also feel like they should have been more up-front with who they are…it’s all very awkward still.

Bernadette commented on 14-Dec-2009 07:21 PM

Danny, thanks for commenting. The solution is simple going forward - you can use terms like "client names" or "the couple" or "bride/groom" in your contract, marketing materials and questionnaire. I hope that little tip helps save you from future awkwardness.

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Gay Weddings are Good for Business

The Role of a Photographer at a Gay Wedding

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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

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Coming Out

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What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

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Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

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Tips for DJs and Bands at Gay Weddings

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No Gay Marriage? No Problem!

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What You Can Learn from MyKateParkerWedding.com

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Washington Post Mention

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Should Your 2010 Marketing Plan Include a LGBT Strategy?

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