Gay Weddings are Good for Business

I talked last week about how and why I had to create gender neutral restroom signs...you can see below what we did.

This sign was outside the first floor restrooms which were gendered.  They referred those who wanted a unisex restroom the ones upstairs.  Everyone was happy. Easy as pie...

The next two weekends, I have two weddings which will each have a sizable number of transgender guests. I'm in the process of creating signage for a few restrooms that say, All Genders (in one instance) and Unisex (in the other). 

Here's why:

• Non-trans individuals frequently feel the need to "police" restrooms if they see someone who may be, for example, a very butch woman who may look like a man, in the women's room. This isn't a wedding situation but happens in general. 
• Non-trans guests are less likely to do a double-take at someone's gender presentation if they are in a neutral restroom. 
• Some people feel neither male nor female, but rather somewhere in between - and would prefer a space where they don't have to choose a gendered restroom.

You may encounter a similar situation or client request. Roll with it and make the signs. It's not a big deal and may make your clients and their guests more comfortable.

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

• What to call a gay wedding
• Differences between straight and gay weddings
• Best places for your advertising dollars
• Engaged same-sex couples, blogging about their wedding plans
• Why the Federal Government won't recognize gay marriags
• Neutralizing the language on your website
• What churches perform gay wedding ceremonies?
• Turn-offs for gay and lesbian couples
• Data about gay weddings
• What do some lesbian brides like to be called?
• How to address gay wedding invitations
• Defining transgender - and what does this mean for gay weddings?

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business!  And they are great for society.

I'm commonly asked why so few same-sex marriages occur in places of worship rather than simply at the reception site.  The answer is easy - not many religions accept same-sex marriage.  Here's the rundown for you in case you are asked by a couple.  On many occasions, I've had to call around to local churches and specifically ask, "do you allow gay marriages to be held in your church?"  It leads some pretty awkward conversations so hopefully this guide will help:

Faiths Allowing Same-Sex Marriages

• United Church of Christ: The United Church of Christ was the first mainstream Christian church to fully support same-sex marriage and perform marriage ceremonies. 
• Jewish: Reform Judaism embraces same-sex marriage and rabbis can perform ceremonies.
• Quaker: The willingness to perform gay marriages varies by meetinghouse, but there is some acceptance and performance of same-sex marriages among Quakers. 
• Metropolitan Community Church
• Unitarian Universalist

Faiths Allowing Limited Same-Sex Marriage

• Episcopal: In the Episcopal Church, priests are authorized to bless same-sex wedding ceremonies but not declare the marriage official or sign the marriage license. Episcopal priests in Eastern Massachusetts can fully marry same-sex couples without conditions. 

Faiths Disallowing Same-Sex Marriages

• Lutheran: Lutheran ministers will not conduct same-sex marriages and will not allow them to be held in their churches but are authorized to "bless" the unions. 
• Baptists: Southern Baptist and Conservative Baptist churches will not conduct same-sex marriages, nor will they allow them to be held in their churches. Some American Baptist churches are open and inclusive. 
• Methodist
• Catholic
• Presbyterian

There is a great article in today's New York Times about the business of gay weddings.  The article focuses on the founders of Equally Wed, the new same-sex wedding website which features articles, advice and a message board for engaged LGBT couples.  The founders of that site, like many other sites providing resources to same-sex couples, saw a need for resources that specifically understand the needs of same-sex couples.  That's why I started my gay wedding planning company 6.5 years ago and is why I'm the blogger on TheKnot.com's site for gay weddings, Gay.Weddings.com.

Equally Wed, Gay.Weddings.com and their counterparts, QueerlyWed.com, GayWeddings.com, RainbowWeddingNetwork.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com also mentioned in the article are doing great things to respond to the unique (and yes they are unique) needs of those couples. 

Because I work closely with wedding industry vendors, in addition to couples, I am asked by vendors for advice on how to do the right thing.  Many well-meaning vendors assume the industry is integrated and that same-sex and opposite-sex couples experience the same trials and tribulations during their planning.  They assume that same-sex and opposite-sex couples appear side-by-side on wedding blogs, in magazines and in online wedding directories.  We're not there yet.  

But we're getting there.  The same-sex couples featured in Brides magazine and Martha Stewart will help.  But the reality is that there is still a need for a separate space for LGBT couples which is the reason for those sites.  

It's my company's mission to eliminate homophobia and heterosexism (the mostly accidental assumption that every couple is a bride and a groom) from the wedding industry.  That's a lofty goal.  But when it's all said and done, I care more about integration than segregation.  

I'd like to put myself out of business - but I need the help of those well-meaning vendors, Publishers and Editors.  We all have to do the right thing and stop making assumptions about the gender of the couple.  We all have to understand the unique needs of same-sex couples.  It's not just good for society but it's good for business. 

Today, a district court judge ruled that part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutional.  You can learn more more about the Defense of Marriage Act by following that link, but essentially, it means that my gay marriage in Massachusetts is meaningless most everywhere else including at the federal level and in most states.  Currently this ruling only affects Massachusetts residents.

The law explicitly includes a piece that U.S. states that don't allow gay marriage don't have to recognize gay marriages performed in U.S. states that do.

If this ruling stands, it is significant for a number of reasons and may impact your wedding business:

• Similar lawsuits will follow, opening the door to federal recognition by couples who live in Connecticut, Vermont, and the other places gay marriage is legal.
• You'll see more large receptions in your state hosted by couples who marry where it's legal and return home - the number of couples traveling to legally marry will jump dramatically because it will actually mean something (benefits) on the federal level!
• This should open the door for more states to legalize gay marriage as they see money lost to states where it is.
• Other parts of DOMA that impact the 45 states where gay marriage is illegal are also being challenged.  These states may be forced to recognize gay marriages performed in states where it is.  This means more weddings!
• This ruling will mean more wedding sales for all of us - an annual increase of $9.5 billion when gay marriage is legalized nationally (according to Forbes)

I get this question all the time, "What's the difference between a straight and a gay wedding?"  The last person to ask was sweetheart Colin Cowie, whom I met last week at Engage!

I'd be out of business if I couldn't answer it.  It's the reason there's demand for a gay wedding producer.  Here's a short list of differences:

• 50% of the country is opposed to gay marriage and many in the wedding industry do not support it either - couples face discrimination.
• And it's perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT couples in 28 U.S. states (i.e. a vendor can say, "I don't want to work with you.")
• Who do you think fills the role of the "bride" during a wedding processional, when there are two brides or two grooms?  We typically avoid anyone assuming this role by having the couple process together, hand-in-hand, or down two aisles simultaneously...
• What do lesbian brides wear?
• What do you call an engaged lesbian who doesn't feel like a "bride?"

Just a little food for thought...the list goes on.  How do you answer this question?

Last week, in between weddings, I dashed down to the Cayman Islands for the luxury wedding industry summit, Engage! There are some brilliant recaps on other blogs like BridalBar, Jasmine Star, Album Boutique, Elizabeth Anne Designs, to name a few.  I don't need to talk about the impeccable details or post photos since others have done it so well, but I did want to share my own experience as the only attendee specifically in the business of gay weddings.

Now, make no mistake, there were plenty of other attendees in the wedding business who happened to be gay - just no one else in the "gay wedding business."  As such, I felt honored to be singled out as an Innovator by Rebecca Grinnals during her opening remarks. 

One of the first things that stands out to me is that this was the first wedding industry event I've ever attended where I wasn't bombarded by those passing me business cards seeking referrals in order to access my lucrative niche.  How refreshing to be in a crowd above such gaucheness.  I was among people from whom I could learn, and whom could learn from me with an open dialogue, candor and not an ounce of competitiveness. I've never been at an event with such a spirit of collaboration and vision (and I used to work for nonprofits) - and an understanding of the way the wedding industry is evolving.  

I am in the business of identifying unmet needs for my clients and trying to solve the problem of heterosexism within the wedding industry.  Last week, I met Millie Bratten, Editor of Brides magazine, whose current issue features a Real lesbian wedding.  I talked to Randy Fenoli and his agent Jennifer about the lack of wardrobe options for lesbian brides. I spoke with Carley Roney from the Knot about improving Gay.Weddings.com.  I spoke with Colin Cowie about creating a product that is inclusive for all engaged couples.  It's nice to be able to freely speak with those who have the power to create positive change.

Everyone I met has their heart in the right place and wants to be more proactive - not just because it's good for business (and it is) but because it's also good for society.  40 years ago on June 12 was the day it became illegal to ban interracial marriage.  Only 40 years ago.  When will we look back on the day in which it became illegal to ban gay marriage?  

It's not far away and I'm thrilled that such wedding industry visionaries are beginning to understand the impact that the (forthcoming...and it is forthcoming) legalization of gay marriage will have on the industry as a whole.  Big thanks to Rebecca and Kathryn Arce for creating the space for this dialogue.  These are the stories which change the world. What's your story?

(Those last two lines are my company's slogan, by the way)

I get asked this question all the time by wedding industry vendors: how do I market to gay and lesbian couples?

It's the #1 question I'm asked.

My answer is: start by including photos of gay and lesbian couples on your website and in your other marketing materials.  

Instead this photo to the left is what we normally get. (Photo by Teesside, UK)  Lots and lots of photos like that - a very attractive couple and they look lovely and happy and they should.

And I'm not saying that you shouldn't include such photos - but it would help your business to show greater diversity in your online portfolio and in your printed materials.  If you advertise on a gay wedding directory website or print ad, do not include a photo of a straight couple in your ad!

I try not to be a shameless self-promoter but I do think this is important.  I offer a class for those in the wedding industry looking to reach the LGBT marketplace.  

The next question I'm asked is: if I've never shot or worked a gay wedding, how do I get photos for my website?

Go through your portfolio and choose some shots of the bride or the groom alone;  choose some where the gender may be ambiguous; use ample detail shots and long shots - and for more ideas, look at the photos on this very website, www.GayWeddingInstitute.com.

I spoke with two brides planning their gay wedding last week who already have a venue picked out but not booked.  They called me because they were a little concerned.

So, I went to the venue's website and the first sentence of the first paragraph on the weddings page is, "Toast the Bride and the Groom from the terrace with its view of the surrounding hills."

But can we toast just the brides?
Or can we toast just the grooms?

That's what this lesbian couple called me to find out.  Is this a gay-friendly venue?  They'd have to come out to the venue and ask that question themselves.  What if these two were nervous about calling and asking and coming out?  That's not unusual.  

Is this venue willing to risk losing $30,000 on food and beverage rather than make the photos and language on their website inclusive?   Are you?