Gay Weddings are Good for Business

How to Lose $30,000 in 30 Seconds

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I spoke with two brides planning their gay wedding last week who already have a venue picked out but not booked. They called me because they were a little concerned.

So, I went to the venue's website and the first sentence of the first paragraph on the weddings page is, "Toast the Bride and the Groom from the terrace with its view of the surrounding hills."

But can we toast just the brides?
Or can we toast just the grooms?

That's what this lesbian couple called me to find out. Is this a gay-friendly venue? They'd have to come out to the venue and ask that question themselves. What if these two were nervous about calling and asking and coming out? That's not unusual.

Is this venue willing to risk losing $30,000 on food and beverage rather than make the photos and language on their website inclusive? Are you?

Comments

Danielle commented on 26-May-2010 02:21 PM

My partner and I ran into this issue at Cranes Estate wedding expo in Mass. So much literature that was NOT inclusive. Looks like we'll be renting a house on the beach, doing things our way :)

Bernadette Coveney commented on 26-May-2010 09:37 PM

Danielle, it's kind of appalling isn't it, especially somewhere gay marriage has been legal for 6 years. On a positive note, I love weddings in private homes. You may be interested in post I wrote about that: http://14stories.com/_blog/Weddings_Redefined/post/Gay_Weddings_in_Private_Homes/

elizabeth commented on 26-May-2010 11:33 PM

your right Bernadette,
but its a little bit of retraining
our site was about to go live with the saying
"a bride and groom should not live in a hard drive"
it was really easy to make the change to brides and grooms should....
now i need some pictures to accompany the words
thanks for your perspective
elizabeth

Pink Dollars

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Jen and I were in Montreal over the weekend and were talking to the hotel concierge about where to go for brunch. He suggested one restaurant in particular "if we wanted to spend pink dollars."

I laughed out loud - I hadn't heard that phrase in a few years. What on earth are pink dollars?

Pink dollars are money spent by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people to support LGBT-owned businesses. When I'm planning a gay wedding, my client is spending pink dollars on my business (which is gay-owned)....so to speak...

As a wedding vendor, if you want to work with gay and lesbian couples, it's critical for you to proactively identify LGBT-owned wedding industry businesses in your community.

How do you do it? ASK! When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "Is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "What is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Your gay wedding clients will want to keep their dollars PINK, as long as it doesn't compromise their overall wedding vision.

Have you started identifying gay owned businesses in your area?

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The Alternative Lifestyle

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Jen and I were at a wedding open house a few weeks ago and one of the vendors, upon hearing of our niche, said to us, "That's great! I'd love to work with you to support these alternative lifestyles."

How would you like it if your life - your LIFE - was referred to as a lifestyle? Do you live the heterosexual lifestyle?

Now, of course I was very polite and didn't call her out or get all righteous - but imagine what that would have felt like if instead of being two wedding planners, we were two brides or two grooms.

The problem with the phrase "alternative lifestyle", "gay lifestyle" or "homosexual lifestyle" is that it implies that our life is a choice, that we chose to lead this lifestyle. The reality is that we were born gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. It wasn't was a choice and it's not a lifestyle.

Now, this lady was very nice to us, meant no harm whatsoever and certainly didn't mean to offend - nor were we offended. But I think it's a good teachable moment in case you accidentally use that phrase (even in a very supportive context) with a gay or lesbian couple you are working with. Many LGBT people will find this offensive even though I didn't.

Have you accidentally ever used the phrase alternative lifestyle in front of a client?

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What Does a Gay Groom Wear?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, February 01, 2010

Certainly the grooms have it easier than the brides when it comes to choosing what to wear to their gay wedding. Here's what I've seen:

Two grooms in morning suits
Two grooms in tuxes
Two grooms in suits
One groom in a suit and one in a tartan
Two grooms in a shirt and tie

Not too many options... Most of my grooms buy their garments and if so, I generally send them to Brooks Brothers (a former client works at one) though some do rent their suits. One thing is clear: it's easier for a groom to buy a tux without coming out of the closet but you should still be prepared to help.

Here are some tips for helping your gay grooms:

Don't assume that they will wear one of the options stated above. You may encounter the occasional groom who will wear drag. Instead ask, "What are you wearing to your wedding?"
Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned tailors in your area.
Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned tux rental shops in your area.

Have you seen gay grooms wear something out of the ordinary at their gay wedding?

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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Top secret confidential post for wedding planners who want to reach the gay wedding market.

This is how it's different.

You are 1 part wedding planner (this you already know)

+

1 part lawyer (the legalities of where it's legal, where it's recognized and where LGBT rights are protected)

+

1 part advocate (see the coming out post)

+

1 part researcher (see the vendor screening post)

+

1 part counselor (there will be an upcoming post about family involvement or lack thereof)

Planning a gay wedding is different - but it's so worth it.

Comments

Andrinique Special Events commented on 27-Jan-2010 01:27 PM

Great, informative blog

Coming Out

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 25, 2010

Coming out (of the closet) is the ongoing process of telling people that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. It may start with friends, continue on to family, then co-workers, then neighbors and so on every time new people enter your life. Being LGBT is not as obvious as being a person of color, for example, so the process of coming out is ongoing.

As a wedding vendor, why should you care?

Each wedding involves 43 different vendors, on average. Everyone from the hair and makeup people, to the limo driver, to the coat check guy. And when gay couples are planning their wedding, they have to come out over and over and over again - to all of these people. The ones they hire and the ones they do not. Every time they visit a venue or taste cake, they must come out. Every time they interview a florist or a wedding planner, they must come out. This could mean coming out 100+ times over the course of wedding planning.

In many places (about half of the US states), it's legal for vendors to say, "I can't help you. I don't do gay weddings."

If you want to work with gay couples, you must keep this in mind every day and come out on behalf of your clients. What are you doing to make it safe for your gay and lesbian clients to come out?

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What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You'd think after 6 years as a gay wedding planner, I'd have all the answers on this subject. I can tell you that for lesbian brides, figuring out what to wear is one of the greatest wedding planning stressors - and that most of the ones I've worked with want something ready to wear, not custom made. Here's what I've seen:

brides in two black cocktail dresses
brides in two white/off-white wedding gowns
brides in two white/off-white dresses (I wouldn't exactly call them gowns because they were simpler)
brides in two white suits
brides in two black suits
brides in two dresses that matched their wedding colors
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a black suit/tux
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a white/off-white suit/tux

How's that for variety? Here are some tips when working with lesbian brides on their choice of attire:

Don't pass judgement based on whatever choices they make.
Don't assume that one or both partners will wear a wedding dress or gown. Instead ask, "What are you wearing?"
Do some research on your own as to what bridal shop is gay-friendly or gay-owned so you can pass a good referral.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can make a custom suit.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can tailor the heck out of a men's suit to fit a woman's figure.
Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned businesses (either brick and mortar or web) who can sell a high quality ready to wear white or black suit or tux for a woman.

What have you seen lesbian brides wear to their gay wedding? Do you already have these resources identified in your community?

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Defining Transgender (and how it relates to gay weddings)

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 18, 2010

You may have noticed that the Obama administration recently made a high profile transgender appointment. It's a giant leap forward for transgender visibility in Washington, DC. That article I linked to, incidentally, was written by a client of mine, Joanne Herman, author of the book Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not. I highly recommend her articles and book for no-nonsense, no jargon explanations.

Since many people don't understand what the T is in the LGBT acronym, let me define a few things:

Sex: what is listed on your birth certificate, depends on the sex organs you are born with. Male and female are sex categories.
Gender Identity: the way an individual feels about his or her gender. This is a broad term and includes male, female, transgender, genderqueer and so on - and may not align with their born sex.
Transgender: someone who is born one gender and is living/identifying/expressing themselves as another gender or in a gender ambiguous way (they may or may not have had sex-reassignment surgery). The T in LGBT = transgender.
Sexual Orientation: describes who you are attracted to; may be towards males, females or both genders.
MTF: a transgender person who was born male but lives as a female
FTM: a transgender person who was born female but lives as a male

In the example of my client, her sex at birth was male. Her identity is female. Her sexual orientation is a lesbian. She is an MTF.

How does this come into play with weddings? A few things to note:

If you are a wedding planner, when screening vendors and scheduling appointments for this client, tell vendors in advance that your client is transgender; even if they are comfortable with the L, G and B couples, they may not be with the T.
It's impolite to ask about the transgender client's former name or life prior to their transition.
Wedding attire shopping may be complicated and there may be extra sensitivity in the dressing room. For example, when wedding dress shopping, my client was concerned that her shoulders were too broad for a strapless dress.
Some transgender people do not "pass" easily into their new gender but you must respect the new gender regardless of their stage of transition, appearance or voice.
There may be extra sensitivity about family involvement or lack thereof.

I'll have more to add in an upcoming post.

Do you know anyone who is transgender? Have you ever worked with a transgender individual who is getting married?

Comments

Mike Wilkinson commented on 18-Jan-2010 01:19 PM

What a great explanation of some of the most frequent misconceptions about the transgender community. When I planned events for a GLBT organization I met many wonderful transgender individuals. I'd like to add that at times there were significant differences in event design depending on whether I was planning with a FTM or MTF.

Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 15, 2010

This is a real life conversation that happened during setup of one of my clients' gay weddings:

Banquet Manager: Where are the bride and groom sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

(a few minutes later)

Banquet Manager: I'm sorry, can you remind me where the bride and groom are sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

Banquet Manager: OK....then where are the two grooms sitting?

Now, I knew that this Banquet Manager wasn't homopobic because the owner of the catering company (her boss) is gay and so were some of her colleagues. She was, in fact, very nice.

But her immediate thought after hearing me say that there were two brides was not to think that this was a same-sex wedding - but rather to think that it was a double wedding, with two straight couples.

I mention this because gay weddings are not on most people's radars. Most of the world is not used to gay weddings and if you are a wedding planner, you will have similar conversations. This is an example of heterosexism.

If you've worked at gay weddings, have you ever had a similar conversation? Or if not, do you have an example of a vendor making assumptions about your clients?

Comments

Juliet Douglas commented on 15-Jan-2010 06:39 PM

I had an October wedding for a lesbian couple last October and surprisingly we didn't have any conversations like that! The only slip up was when the amenity from the hotel read "Mr & Mrs.". I believe the hotel was not aware because one of the brides had somewhat of a unisex name. My sweet couple told me about it but had a good laugh.

RIck Aguilar commented on 15-Jan-2010 09:23 PM

Dear Bernadette,
I had a similar experience in Chicago when I was photographing a gay wedding at a public garden. We had overheard someone asking another member of the wedding party if the two ladies were marring one man,I guess he couldn't fathom two women being together?? But as continued to take photos we also heard a little girl ask her mother what was going on and after she told her the girls response was one day I am going to marry my best friend too! That story we did share with the couple.

Gay Marriage Comes to New Hampshire

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 04, 2010

I'm thrilled that gay marriage is legal in New Hampshire as of January 1. For those couples for whom civil unions were not enough, the state will now legally marry same-sex couples

What does this mean for vendors? To start with, it means more business. More engaged couples = more money. Gay weddings are different, of course, so you'll want to make sure you're up to speed with your marketing materials, knowledge of the laws, and contract language.

You're going to want to strike a delicate balance between reaching your current (likely heterosexual) market and this new market. You'll want to do this in a way so you offend no one. There's a learning curve so you can start by familiarizing yourself with some of the concepts I've posted about in the past:

I'll presenting a workshop to wedding vendors in New Hampshire on Tuesday, February 2 at the Highlander Inn in Manchester. If you'd like to learn more, you can register right here.

What have you done to prepare yourself for gay marriage in New Hampshire?

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Gay Weddings are Good for Business

How to Lose $30,000 in 30 Seconds

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Post a Comment

Pink Dollars

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Post a Comment

The Alternative Lifestyle

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Post a Comment

What Does a Gay Groom Wear?

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Post a Comment

For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

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Post a Comment

Coming Out

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Post a Comment

What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

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Post a Comment

Defining Transgender (and how it relates to gay weddings)

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Post a Comment

Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

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Gay Marriage Comes to New Hampshire

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