Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Research, advice and tips on the business of gay and lesbian weddings from Bernadette Coveney Smith, the nation's leading gay wedding expert. Bernadette is owner of 14 Stories, the first company in the U.S. to plan legal gay weddings.

"Love is Love is Love"

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I'm an AmeriCorps alum and our slogan is "putting idealism to work."  I think being a producer of gay weddings and an educator about gay weddings is a pretty idealistic career. 

I love meeting wedding vendors who say to me, "I'm so supportive of gay marriage. There's no difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding.  Love is love is love!"

It's very sweet.  And it's very idealistic.  And then I hear stories like the one I heard from Lacy Branch in St. Louis where she got a call from a same-sex couple and she was the only planner in her area who would talk to them.  And the story from Kelly Karli in Vail who received a call from a guy almost embarrassed to tell her that he wants to go in drag on his wedding day. And these stories are part of the reasons gay weddings are different.

Of course when I was 27 and my company was brand new, I was ultra-idealistic and while I still have a good solid sense of that idealism, the reality of spending six years working with couples seeking acceptance and equality changes that.  I'd love to put myself out of business someday.  But until then, it's important to remind yourself that gay weddings are different.

Just ask any same-sex couple living in one of the 45 states where their relationship is not recognized.

If you're a wedding vendor who believes that "love is love is love" and you still have photos of straight couples plastered all over your site with the phrase "bride and groom" everywhere, then please start walking the talk.

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What's the Difference Between a Straight and a Gay Wedding?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, June 14, 2010
I get this question all the time, "What's the difference between a straight and a gay wedding?"  The last person to ask was sweetheart Colin Cowie, whom I met last week at Engage!

I'd be out of business if I couldn't answer it.  It's the reason there's demand for a gay wedding producer.  Here's a short list of differences:

  • 50% of the country is opposed to gay marriage and many in the wedding industry do not support it either - couples face discrimination.
  • And it's perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT couples in 28 U.S. states (i.e. a vendor can say, "I don't want to work with you.")
  • Who do you think fills the role of the "bride" during a wedding processional, when there are two brides or two grooms?  We typically avoid anyone assuming this role by having the couple process together, hand-in-hand, or down two aisles simultaneously...
  • What do lesbian brides wear?
  • What do you call an engaged lesbian who doesn't feel like a "bride?"
Just a little food for thought...the list goes on.  How do you answer this question?

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An Engage! Recap from the Point of View from the First Gay Wedding Planner

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, June 14, 2010
Last week, in between weddings, I dashed down to the Cayman Islands for the luxury wedding industry summit, Engage! There are some brilliant recaps on other blogs like BridalBar, Jasmine Star, Album Boutique, Elizabeth Anne Designs, to name a few.  I don't need to talk about the impeccable details or post photos since others have done it so well, but I did want to share my own experience as the only attendee specifically in the business of gay weddings.

Now, make no mistake, there were plenty of other attendees in the wedding business who happened to be gay - just no one else in the "gay wedding business."  As such, I felt honored to be singled out as an Innovator by Rebecca Grinnals during her opening remarks. 

One of the first things that stands out to me is that this was the first wedding industry event I've ever attended where I wasn't bombarded by those passing me business cards seeking referrals in order to access my lucrative niche.  How refreshing to be in a crowd above such gaucheness.  I was among people from whom I could learn, and whom could learn from me with an open dialogue, candor and not an ounce of competitiveness. I've never been at an event with such a spirit of collaboration and vision (and I used to work for nonprofits) - and an understanding of the way the wedding industry is evolving.  

I am in the business of identifying unmet needs for my clients and trying to solve the problem of heterosexism within the wedding industry.  Last week, I met Millie Bratten, Editor of Brides magazine, whose current issue features a Real lesbian wedding.  I talked to Randy Fenoli and his agent Jennifer about the lack of wardrobe options for lesbian brides. I spoke with Carley Roney from the Knot about improving Gay.Weddings.com.  I spoke with Colin Cowie about creating a product that is inclusive for all engaged couples.  It's nice to be able to freely speak with those who have the power to create positive change.

Everyone I met has their heart in the right place and wants to be more proactive - not just because it's good for business (and it is) but because it's also good for society.  40 years ago on June 12 was the day it became illegal to ban interracial marriage.  Only 40 years ago.  When will we look back on the day in which it became illegal to ban gay marriage?  

It's not far away and I'm thrilled that such wedding industry visionaries are beginning to understand the impact that the (forthcoming...and it is forthcoming) legalization of gay marriage will have on the industry as a whole.  Big thanks to Rebecca and Kathryn Arce for creating the space for this dialogue.  These are the stories which change the world. What's your story?

(Those last two lines are my company's slogan, by the way)

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Tip for Wedding Planners who Want to Plan Gay Weddings: Vendor Screening

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Thursday, June 10, 2010
In 2002, my girlfriend at the time and I were guests at a friend's commitment ceremony in South Carolina.  The couple was from Atlanta but 100+ of us traveled to South Carolina because Edisto Island was a favorite place of these girls.  They used all local vendors and even hired a local DJ.  It was a beautiful event.  Sometime that evening, the DJ began to make obnoxious, rude and homophobic statements and had to be kicked out of the wedding.  Can you imagine kicking a DJ out of a wedding?  It seems almost unfathomable.  

But that's one thing my clients would never ever ever experience - because I screen vendors.  They don't want to deal with discomfort, assumptions about the bride and groom, or downright rudeness.

I hear from a lot of gay and lesbian couples.  And sometimes I hear them say, "You'd never believe the person I just spoke to at so-and-so" as they proceed to tell me an ugly story about a wedding vendor's awkwardness or distaste for the "gay lifestyle".

(I put lifestyle in quotes because we don't call it that - it's not a lifestyle, it's a life - but some people refer to being gay as a lifestyle)

If you are a wedding planner and want to start marketing yourself to gay and lesbian couples, you absolutely must identify a list of gay-friendly (or preferably gay-owned) vendors in your area.  You must ask them the hard questions about their experience with gay couples and you must use your instincts to determine whether or not they are telling you what you want to hear because they want the business.  

It's critical to your success in this market.  Your reputation would be ruined if you had to kick a DJ (or any other vendor) out of a gay wedding for being hostile to the guests.

Are there a lot of gay-friendly or gay-owned wedding businesses in your area? Are you planning to start screening vendors in preparation to reach this market?



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How to Lose $30,000 in 30 Seconds

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, May 26, 2010
I spoke with two brides planning their gay wedding last week who already have a venue picked out but not booked.  They called me because they were a little concerned.

So, I went to the venue's website and the first sentence of the first paragraph on the weddings page is, "Toast the Bride and the Groom from the terrace with its view of the surrounding hills."

But can we toast just the brides?
Or can we toast just the grooms?

That's what this lesbian couple called me to find out.  Is this a gay-friendly venue?  They'd have to come out to the venue and ask that question themselves.  What if these two were nervous about calling and asking and coming out?  That's not unusual.  

Is this venue willing to risk losing $30,000 on food and beverage rather than make the photos and language on their website inclusive?   Are you?

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Pink Dollars

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Jen and I were in Montreal over the weekend and were talking to the hotel concierge about where to go for brunch.  He suggested one restaurant in particular "if we wanted to spend pink dollars."

I laughed out loud - I hadn't heard that phrase in a few years.  What on earth are pink dollars?

Pink dollars are money spent by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people to support LGBT-owned businesses.  When I'm planning a gay wedding, my client is spending pink dollars on my business (which is gay-owned)....so to speak...

As a wedding vendor, if you want to work with gay and lesbian couples, it's critical for you to proactively identify LGBT-owned wedding industry businesses in your community.

How do you do it?  ASK!  When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "Is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "What is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Your gay wedding clients will want to keep their dollars PINK, as long as it doesn't compromise their overall wedding vision.  

Have you started identifying gay owned businesses in your area?

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The Alternative Lifestyle

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Jen and I were at a wedding open house a few weeks ago and one of the vendors, upon hearing of our niche, said to us, "That's great!  I'd love to work with you to support these alternative lifestyles."

How would you like it if your life - your LIFE - was referred to as a lifestyle?  Do you live the heterosexual lifestyle?

Now, of course I was very polite and didn't call her out or get all righteous - but imagine what that would have felt like if instead of being two wedding planners, we were two brides or two grooms.  

The problem with the phrase "alternative lifestyle", "gay lifestyle" or "homosexual lifestyle" is that it implies that our life is a choice, that we chose to lead this lifestyle.  The reality is that we were born gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  It wasn't was a choice and it's not a lifestyle.

Now, this lady was very nice to us, meant no harm whatsoever and certainly didn't mean to offend - nor were we offended.  But I think it's a good teachable moment in case you accidentally use that phrase (even in a very supportive context) with a gay or lesbian couple you are working with.  Many LGBT people will find this offensive even though I didn't.

Have you accidentally ever used the phrase alternative lifestyle in front of a client?



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What Does a Gay Groom Wear?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, February 01, 2010
Certainly the grooms have it easier than the brides when it comes to choosing what to wear to their gay wedding.  Here's what I've seen:

  • Two grooms in morning suits
  • Two grooms in tuxes
  • Two grooms in suits
  • One groom in a suit and one in a tartan
  • Two grooms in a shirt and tie
Not too many options...  Most of my grooms buy their garments and if so, I generally send them to Brooks Brothers (a former client works at one) though some do rent their suits.  One thing is clear:  it's easier for a groom to buy a tux without coming out of the closet but you should still be prepared to help.

Here are some tips for helping your gay grooms:

  • Don't assume that they will wear one of the options stated above.  You may encounter the occasional groom who will wear drag.  Instead ask, "What are you wearing to your wedding?"
  • Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned tailors in your area.
  • Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned tux rental shops in your area.
Have you seen gay grooms wear something out of the ordinary at their gay wedding?



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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Top secret confidential post for wedding planners who want to reach the gay wedding market.

This is how it's different.

You are 1 part wedding planner (this you already know)

+

1 part lawyer (the legalities of where it's legal, where it's recognized and where LGBT rights are protected)

+

1 part advocate (see the coming out post)

+

1 part researcher (see the vendor screening post)

+

1 part counselor (there will be an upcoming post about family involvement or lack thereof)

Planning a gay wedding is different - but it's so worth it.



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Coming Out

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 25, 2010
Coming out (of the closet) is the ongoing process of telling people that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  It may start with friends, continue on to family, then co-workers, then neighbors and so on every time new people enter your life.  Being LGBT is not as obvious as being a person of color, for example, so the process of coming out is ongoing.

As a wedding vendor, why should you care?

Each wedding involves 43 different vendors, on average.  Everyone from the hair and makeup people, to the limo driver, to the coat check guy.  And when gay couples are planning their wedding, they have to come out over and over and over again - to all of these people.  The ones they hire and the ones they do not.  Every time they visit a venue or taste cake, they must come out.  Every time they interview a florist or a wedding planner, they must come out.  This could mean coming out 100+ times over the course of wedding planning.

In many places (about half of the US states), it's legal for vendors to say, "I can't help you.  I don't do gay weddings."  

If you want to work with gay couples, you must keep this in mind every day and come out on behalf of your clients.  What are you doing to make it safe for your gay and lesbian clients to come out?



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