Gay Weddings are Good for Business

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

• What to call a gay wedding
• Differences between straight and gay weddings
• Best places for your advertising dollars
• Engaged same-sex couples, blogging about their wedding plans
• Why the Federal Government won't recognize gay marriags
• Neutralizing the language on your website
• What churches perform gay wedding ceremonies?
• Turn-offs for gay and lesbian couples
• Data about gay weddings
• What do some lesbian brides like to be called?
• How to address gay wedding invitations
• Defining transgender - and what does this mean for gay weddings?

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business!  And they are great for society.

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year.  A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding.  I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.  

What do you say in such a situation?  If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate.  My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned.  I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate?  Here are a few tips:

• Listen more than talk.  
• Follow their lead.  If the client is angry, you can express anger.  If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy.  If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
• Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

 

Last week I wrote about the characteristics of same-sex couples who have been together a long time!  Today I'll talk about the couples who are more of a traditional marrying age, in their twenties.  This is what you should expect from this type of fabulous same-sex couple:

• at least one set of parents will be involved, sharing their opinions and expectations even if they are not paying for much, if any, of the wedding
• the couple grew up in an age when gay marriage is part of their expected journey (the first state to have gay marriage in the U.S. happened in 2004)
• this couple may not be very aware of the laws and policies around gay marriage and the additional steps necessary to further protect their families
• this is typically the first marriage for both and no children are involved
• the couple is more aware of their planning resources as a couple and will turn to bridal magazines and blogs for information and inspiration
• this couple may have a lower budget because of the lack of parental support and lack of time in the workforce
• this couple's wedding will be more similar to a traditional straight wedding (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

As you start working with engaged same-sex couples, you'll probably first start getting business from couples who have been together for YEARS!  These couples may be in their late 30s to 50s or older and are so eager to get married. They probably never expected to see it in their lifetime.  Here's what you should expect from these couples:

• very little, if any, parental involvement in the decision-making process
• pay for the wedding entirely by themselves
• may have been previously married to members of the opposite sex
• may have children from those previous straight marriages
• a strong appreciation of the legality of their gay marriage
• a deep appreciation of YOU as a vendor and your kindness to them as a same-sex couple
• a willingness to be less traditional in their gay wedding ceremony
• a wedding reception that may be more of an elegant formal dinner party than a typical wedding reception with dancing
• often plan their wedding on a short lead time
• smaller weddings, with fewer than 100 guests, often fewer than 50

A few weeks ago, I was at a networking event catching up with a wedding planner who had gone through my training for wedding pros.  She was telling me about her first gay wedding client and how, through my training, she was able to be sensitive to their unique needs.  And unique they were....

The planner mentioned that I never said anything in my training about a trio.

And I'm not talking about a string or a jazz trio.

I did talk in my training about how it's important to be completely open to subcultures within the LGBT community - and I used the example of leather bears for whom I produced a bear-themed wedding.  This particular couple mentioned that there would be some trios at the wedding.  They were referring to not a couple, but a threesome, and not just a sexual threesome but a relationship trio.  Not a couple but a trio, all committed to each other.

At first this planner was thrown off but she rolled with it and it's all good.  And that's what you have to do...there are too many subcultures for me to get into, but the key is to be open minded and have a laid back approach if you really want to work with same-sex couples.

What's the most outrageous comment you've ever heard from a same-sex couple?

Did you know that 2/3 of same-sex couples who marry are a partnership of two women and 1/3 are in a partnership of two men?  

I discovered that in my analysis of around 200 same-sex couples.  This jives with the vital statistics provided by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health over five years of legal gay marriage.

So where are the gay grooms?  I've talked to my clients and have some of my own theories.  Boys aren't raised with the idea of being a princess in a wedding dress some day (though some come up with that idea on their own...).  Guys are also less likely to need the validation that a wedding provides.  

By the way, Preston Bailey is engaged to his partner Theo Blackman and recently blogged about his own plans.  

So what do you think - why so few gay grooms?

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?

For the past six years, I've been tracking gay weddings, noting trends and keeping data.  In my independent analysis of nearly 200 lesbian couples, this is what they wore at their gay wedding:

• 46% of lesbian couples wore one dress and one pants suit or tux
• 42% of lesbian couples each wore a wedding gown (two gowns)
• 12% of lesbian couples each wore a pants suit (two suits or tuxes)

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek for her great question asking me to dispel some gay wedding myths.  If you have any questions for me about gay weddings, gay wedding traditions, the business of gay wedding, marketing, etc, please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer here in the blog.

So, gay wedding myths....

• Myth:  a gay wedding is the same as a straight wedding, except with two partners of the same gender.  Reality: gay weddings have their own traditions, their own family dynamics and their own personalities and require a different layer of knowledge and sensitivity.
• Myth:  gay men will want to dress in drag, wear a gown, wear makeup, carry a bouquet, and otherwise be non-masculine.  Reality:  I've never had a groom in a dress.  It's rare and uncommon.
• Myth: gay grooms won't need a wedding planner because they secretly want to be a wedding planner (or already are one).  Reality:  gay men are just as busy as the rest of us and many have no interest in wedding/event planning.  I've planned many weddings for gay men.
• Myth:  lesbians are cheap and have bad taste and their weddings will be reflect that!  Reality:  lesbians want beautiful, elegant, and lavish weddings also.  I've planned many of them!
• Myth:  in a lesbian marriage, one will assume a male and one will assume a female role and will dress accordingly at their wedding.  Reality:  42% of lesbian weddings have two brides in two dresses and many relationships have no gender role dynamic.
• Myth:  two brides = two bridezillas!  Reality:  It's just not true.  Lesbian brides have no greater tendency towards drama than her heterosexual counterpart.  

What other stereotypes have you heard about gay weddings?

I was asked on Twitter recently if same-sex couples typically get ready together before the wedding.  It's a great question and something a lot of wedding vendors don't even think about.

Yes, most same-sex couples get ready together before the wedding.  The two brides have their hair and makeup done together.  If they have a wedding party, that group is all together.  Formal photos (even with family) are then taken before the ceremony so that once the wedding officially starts, there are no interruptions for formal pics.  Cocktail hour is spent enjoying cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

Why is this?  A few reasons:

• Partners are often each other's best friend and closest confidante.  They value each other's opinion on how one looks and they want to enjoy the little quiet moments together before they're officially married.
• Gay wedding ceremonies are often in the same location as the reception, and that ceremony time often cuts into the 5 hour rental, thereby reducing the length of the reception (sometimes couples will book the space for an additional hour).  With such a short reception, why sacrifice any of it to formal photos?

Cooper and Tim getting ready.   Photo by Gretje Ferguson

Now, I said that's what most couples do; I've had a several (fewer than ten couples, all women) choose to wait on seeing each other and have the "first look" captured by the photographer.  Those couples have seen each other for the first time as they go down the aisle(s).  

To find out what your client wants to do, ask, don't assume.  Simply ask, "Are you getting ready together?" and "Will there be formal photos taken before the wedding ceremony?"  Those open-ended questions will get you the information you need without making anyone uncomfortable.

Are your clients planning to get ready together?