Gay Weddings are Good for Business

We’ve all had booths at wedding expos in the past. And most wedding expos are targeted to straight couples but there are a few things you should keep in mind in the event that LGBT couples pass through these mainstream wedding expos.  They will come!  Slowly at first, but they'll be there!

1. When you see two women together, they may actually be getting married to each other! It’s true that one may be the bride and the other may be the MOH or a bridesmaid, but don’t make any assumptions either way. Don’t ask, “who’s the bride?” or “which one of you is getting married.” Follow the lead of the women – don’t make any assumptions. 

2. Similarly, when you see two men together, don’t ask, “where’s the bride?” 

3. If you have a form that you want couples to fill out for a raffle or for additional information, don’t say “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” – just say “name” or “bride/groom.” 

4. To the best of your ability showcase your work that is most neutral in tone. That means using photos that are detail shots, long shots and shots of a bride alone or a groom alone. The more images you have of a bride and groom together, the more put-off a same-sex couple may feel. 

5. If you do encounter a same-sex couple, avoid terms such as “sexual preference”, “lifestyle”, “homosexual” and avoid stereotyping them. Believe it or not, I was told by a couple that someone at an expo asked them if one of the partners was the “bride” and one was the “groom” in the relationship. 

These tips, when followed properly, should in no way turn off your potential straight clients either. They are designed to fall under the radar where your potential straight clients don’t notice and your potential same-sex clients are much appreciative.

In 21 of our 50 states, it's illegal to deny a same-sex couple services on the basis of their sexual orientation.  This is because the state's anti-discrimination law includes sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

This means that in 29 U.S. states, you can legally discriminate against LGBT people.  In states such as Florida and Virginia, couples can legally be denied services.  

A lesbian couple in Vermont (above) just filed a lawsuit against an inn in Vermont, a place they had hoped to have their wedding.  The couple claims that the inn said in an email that the owners are not comfortable hosting the wedding.  In Vermont, this is against the law.

And, just this week in New Jersey, a lesbian bride was denied a dress at a bridal shop.

What are the laws in your state?  You can find out here.  If couples are not protected, you may hear some horror stories from the couples that call you for help. Remember, if you are working with same-sex couples, it's important to not only be their vendor but also their advocate.

(Photo credit:  Toby Talbot, AP)

I wanted to share some excerpts from Leanne's post over at SoYoureEnGAYged.com because it speaks very clearly to the the points I make during my presentations - specifically:  clean up your language and don't make assumptions!

"I started my internet-based wedding planning at the mothership, TheKnot.com. I went there because it seemed the thing to do, and because I had heard they featured gay weddings...I had sort of hoped for the best when we got to sign up as 'bride' and 'bride' on the login page.  I had to go through my super-over-due checklist and manually delete all the 'groom' stuff, even though I never signed up for a groom! I found more of the same on similar sites, and concluded...whether it be on one bride and one groom or two of each, they wanted to sell me the dream of the perfect wedding – the perfect bride(s), the perfect groom(s)...

I spoke with a coordinator at one site, who congratulated me on finding Mr. Right. I was met with a few extra beats of silence at another when I asked if they’d done same sex weddings before...And at David’s Bridal, when asked for my groom’s name and whether we’d be looking at tuxes, I responded, 'actually it’s two brides and no thank you on the tuxes' and the salesgirl froze and then nervously turned to her manager (I still get calls and postcards from the Men’s Warehouse via David’s asking if my husband has picked out a suit yet)...

I felt like it was unfair that I had to constantly come out to strangers, explain my relationship and our roles (Q: which one is the bride? A: Uh, both of us?)...every time I was asked for my groom’s name or had to correct their 'he’s' with 'she’s.'
I shifted my approach after that. I right off the bat asked vendors about their experiences with same-sex weddings, and I didn’t penalize them if they didn’t have any. Instead, I then asked about their position on marriage equality...

Some vendors didn’t email back...some simply said they didn’t have a stance on marriage equality, so I thanked them and hung up after telling them that I think they’d benefit from learning more about it and that I’d be taking my business to a vendor who supports it/me/us. And so many more than I expected responded with heartfelt support and a total endorsement of their belief in the importance of marriage equality. I could tell that for many of them, it wasn’t just about making a buck off the gays. It was truly about supporting love and marriage in all its forms, in allowing equality to grow and flourish. Unsurprisingly, those are the vendors we’re working with – the ones who are beyond cool about us being two brides...

When we went to register, I was ready for a battle when I had to cross out “groom” on all the paperwork and then was handed a tote bag with two beaming straight couples pasted onto the sides, but our registrant Linda gave us a hearty 'congratulations' and said she was so happy for us. She seemed genuine, even if she only wanted us to sign up for nice towels and a salad bowl. Our DJ simply congratulated us and started talking about music. Importantly, our vendors have all used gender-neutral/gender-inclusive language in their contracts. In doing so they have, intentionally or otherwise, joined us in our revolutionary act of love..."

I was at an event recently and met a lovely bridal salon owner who very innocently asked me, "Is one the bride and one the groom in a gay relationship?"  Some of you may laugh but she was just working off of stereotypes she grew up with.

The answer is no - at least, not usually.  It's certainly not a good idea to make that assumption about a couple.  

While there may be some men who like drag or are more feminine in appearance, that doesn't mean he wants to wear a dress down the aisle.  Likewise, there are some women who are more masculine in appearance and/or may identify as butch - but that doesn't mean she is the groom or wants to play that role - though she may want to be referred to as the bridegroom. 

You may find yourself in the middle of a really awkward conversation if you make such assumptions so if you are looking for information, it's best to start with open ended questions, such as, "What are you wearing to your wedding?" or "How are you referring to each other now?".   

While it's true that there's some truth to stereotypes, check them at the door so you don't accidentally offend your clients!

Yesterday I was interviewed on the National Public Radio Station, WNYC, on the show "Soundcheck" to talk about music at gay weddings.  Last week they had a show about music at weddings and a listener wrote to complain that same-sex weddings were left out of the discussion.  They called me up and I filled them in about music at gay weddings.

You can listen to the entire clip here.

The bottom line is that there is a difference in what many same-sex couples request, as compared to opposite-sex couples.  The first example that comes to mind is that many same-sex couples request pop music during their ceremony processional and recessional, as opposed to the traditional classical pieces.  I give some examples during the show.

Enjoy!

I get this question so often I can't believe I haven't blogged on the subject yet! I heard from a wedding photographer today who accidentally insulted her same-sex couple by sending them a form to fill out that had fields such as "Bride's Name", "Groom's Name" and used the terms "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen."  

Fortunately, I know this photographer personally and she's very nice and non-homophobic, simply heterosexist.  She did not lose the client, but was embarrassed to find herself in this situation and came to me for advice.

So, what would you use instead of "bride's name" and "groom's name" on contracts and forms?  

• Party A, Party B
• Client Name, Client Name
• Client A, Client B
• Partner A, Partner B
• Bride/Groom, Bride/Groom
• Client Name, Client Name
• Name, Name

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

• What to call a gay wedding
• Differences between straight and gay weddings
• Best places for your advertising dollars
• Engaged same-sex couples, blogging about their wedding plans
• Why the Federal Government won't recognize gay marriags
• Neutralizing the language on your website
• What churches perform gay wedding ceremonies?
• Turn-offs for gay and lesbian couples
• Data about gay weddings
• What do some lesbian brides like to be called?
• How to address gay wedding invitations
• Defining transgender - and what does this mean for gay weddings?

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business!  And they are great for society.

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year.  A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding.  I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.  

What do you say in such a situation?  If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate.  My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned.  I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate?  Here are a few tips:

• Listen more than talk.  
• Follow their lead.  If the client is angry, you can express anger.  If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy.  If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
• Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

 

Last week I wrote about the characteristics of same-sex couples who have been together a long time!  Today I'll talk about the couples who are more of a traditional marrying age, in their twenties.  This is what you should expect from this type of fabulous same-sex couple:

• at least one set of parents will be involved, sharing their opinions and expectations even if they are not paying for much, if any, of the wedding
• the couple grew up in an age when gay marriage is part of their expected journey (the first state to have gay marriage in the U.S. happened in 2004)
• this couple may not be very aware of the laws and policies around gay marriage and the additional steps necessary to further protect their families
• this is typically the first marriage for both and no children are involved
• the couple is more aware of their planning resources as a couple and will turn to bridal magazines and blogs for information and inspiration
• this couple may have a lower budget because of the lack of parental support and lack of time in the workforce
• this couple's wedding will be more similar to a traditional straight wedding (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

As you start working with engaged same-sex couples, you'll probably first start getting business from couples who have been together for YEARS!  These couples may be in their late 30s to 50s or older and are so eager to get married. They probably never expected to see it in their lifetime.  Here's what you should expect from these couples:

• very little, if any, parental involvement in the decision-making process
• pay for the wedding entirely by themselves
• may have been previously married to members of the opposite sex
• may have children from those previous straight marriages
• a strong appreciation of the legality of their gay marriage
• a deep appreciation of YOU as a vendor and your kindness to them as a same-sex couple
• a willingness to be less traditional in their gay wedding ceremony
• a wedding reception that may be more of an elegant formal dinner party than a typical wedding reception with dancing
• often plan their wedding on a short lead time
• smaller weddings, with fewer than 100 guests, often fewer than 50