Gay Weddings are Good for Business

I'm an AmeriCorps alum and our slogan is "putting idealism to work."  I think being a producer of gay weddings and an educator about gay weddings is a pretty idealistic career. 

I love meeting wedding vendors who say to me, "I'm so supportive of gay marriage. There's no difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding.  Love is love is love!"

It's very sweet.  And it's very idealistic.  And then I hear stories like the one I heard from Lacy Branch in St. Louis where she got a call from a same-sex couple and she was the only planner in her area who would talk to them.  And the story from Kelly Karli in Vail who received a call from a guy almost embarrassed to tell her that he wants to go in drag on his wedding day. And these stories are part of the reasons gay weddings are different.

Of course when I was 27 and my company was brand new, I was ultra-idealistic and while I still have a good solid sense of that idealism, the reality of spending six years working with couples seeking acceptance and equality changes that.  I'd love to put myself out of business someday.  But until then, it's important to remind yourself that gay weddings are different.

Just ask any same-sex couple living in one of the 45 states where their relationship is not recognized.

If you're a wedding vendor who believes that "love is love is love" and you still have photos of straight couples plastered all over your site with the phrase "bride and groom" everywhere, then please start walking the talk.

I get this question all the time, "What's the difference between a straight and a gay wedding?"  The last person to ask was sweetheart Colin Cowie, whom I met last week at Engage!

I'd be out of business if I couldn't answer it.  It's the reason there's demand for a gay wedding producer.  Here's a short list of differences:

• 50% of the country is opposed to gay marriage and many in the wedding industry do not support it either - couples face discrimination.
• And it's perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT couples in 28 U.S. states (i.e. a vendor can say, "I don't want to work with you.")
• Who do you think fills the role of the "bride" during a wedding processional, when there are two brides or two grooms?  We typically avoid anyone assuming this role by having the couple process together, hand-in-hand, or down two aisles simultaneously...
• What do lesbian brides wear?
• What do you call an engaged lesbian who doesn't feel like a "bride?"

Just a little food for thought...the list goes on.  How do you answer this question?

Six years ago today, the first gay marriages in the United States took place in cities and towns around the state of Massachusetts.  Six months earlier, gay marriage was legalized by a ruling of the Supreme Judicial Court, in a case argued by GLAD.  As of May 17, 2004, my company's doors had been open for three months.  Our first real wedding was May 22, 2004.

• Six years and well over $120 million pumped into the Massachusetts economy because of same-sex weddings.
• Six years and over 13,000 married same-sex couples
• Six years and the fourth lowest divorce rate in the country (straight or gay)

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.  Your gay and lesbian clients may ask you about how these work for same-sex couples.

Same-sex couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out (and of typical marrying age) often do.

The gay men have wedding showers, too - they are not reserved for just the brides.  Showers are joint operations, with both partners in attendance.

When it comes to the bachelor/bachelorette parties, some same-sex couples have a joint party and some have separate parties. If they have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if their friends are merged, then I suggest a big party. I have two brides who are partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

Have your same-sex clients asked you about these traditions?

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?

For the past six years, I've been tracking gay weddings, noting trends and keeping data.  In my independent analysis of nearly 200 lesbian couples, this is what they wore at their gay wedding:

• 46% of lesbian couples wore one dress and one pants suit or tux
• 42% of lesbian couples each wore a wedding gown (two gowns)
• 12% of lesbian couples each wore a pants suit (two suits or tuxes)

I was asked on Twitter recently if same-sex couples typically get ready together before the wedding.  It's a great question and something a lot of wedding vendors don't even think about.

Yes, most same-sex couples get ready together before the wedding.  The two brides have their hair and makeup done together.  If they have a wedding party, that group is all together.  Formal photos (even with family) are then taken before the ceremony so that once the wedding officially starts, there are no interruptions for formal pics.  Cocktail hour is spent enjoying cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

Why is this?  A few reasons:

• Partners are often each other's best friend and closest confidante.  They value each other's opinion on how one looks and they want to enjoy the little quiet moments together before they're officially married.
• Gay wedding ceremonies are often in the same location as the reception, and that ceremony time often cuts into the 5 hour rental, thereby reducing the length of the reception (sometimes couples will book the space for an additional hour).  With such a short reception, why sacrifice any of it to formal photos?

Cooper and Tim getting ready.   Photo by Gretje Ferguson

Now, I said that's what most couples do; I've had a several (fewer than ten couples, all women) choose to wait on seeing each other and have the "first look" captured by the photographer.  Those couples have seen each other for the first time as they go down the aisle(s).  

To find out what your client wants to do, ask, don't assume.  Simply ask, "Are you getting ready together?" and "Will there be formal photos taken before the wedding ceremony?"  Those open-ended questions will get you the information you need without making anyone uncomfortable.

Are your clients planning to get ready together?

During a gay wedding ceremony, the couple often signs the sacred text, the Foundation Covenant, during the ceremony.  Inspired by the Ketubah and Quaker wedding certificate, this is later signed by their guests and may be framed as wall art.  We love ours and it's a great reminder of the validation we experienced from our guests on our wedding day.

It's confusing to figure out how to address invitations to LGBT couples.  Here's the rundown on how envelopes are addressed: