Gay Weddings are Good for Business

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

• What to call a gay wedding
• Differences between straight and gay weddings
• Best places for your advertising dollars
• Engaged same-sex couples, blogging about their wedding plans
• Why the Federal Government won't recognize gay marriags
• Neutralizing the language on your website
• What churches perform gay wedding ceremonies?
• Turn-offs for gay and lesbian couples
• Data about gay weddings
• What do some lesbian brides like to be called?
• How to address gay wedding invitations
• Defining transgender - and what does this mean for gay weddings?

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business!  And they are great for society.

I'm commonly asked why so few same-sex marriages occur in places of worship rather than simply at the reception site.  The answer is easy - not many religions accept same-sex marriage.  Here's the rundown for you in case you are asked by a couple.  On many occasions, I've had to call around to local churches and specifically ask, "do you allow gay marriages to be held in your church?"  It leads some pretty awkward conversations so hopefully this guide will help:

Faiths Allowing Same-Sex Marriages

• United Church of Christ: The United Church of Christ was the first mainstream Christian church to fully support same-sex marriage and perform marriage ceremonies. 
• Jewish: Reform Judaism embraces same-sex marriage and rabbis can perform ceremonies.
• Quaker: The willingness to perform gay marriages varies by meetinghouse, but there is some acceptance and performance of same-sex marriages among Quakers. 
• Metropolitan Community Church
• Unitarian Universalist

Faiths Allowing Limited Same-Sex Marriage

• Episcopal: In the Episcopal Church, priests are authorized to bless same-sex wedding ceremonies but not declare the marriage official or sign the marriage license. Episcopal priests in Eastern Massachusetts can fully marry same-sex couples without conditions. 

Faiths Disallowing Same-Sex Marriages

• Lutheran: Lutheran ministers will not conduct same-sex marriages and will not allow them to be held in their churches but are authorized to "bless" the unions. 
• Baptists: Southern Baptist and Conservative Baptist churches will not conduct same-sex marriages, nor will they allow them to be held in their churches. Some American Baptist churches are open and inclusive. 
• Methodist
• Catholic
• Presbyterian

There is a great article in today's New York Times about the business of gay weddings.  The article focuses on the founders of Equally Wed, the new same-sex wedding website which features articles, advice and a message board for engaged LGBT couples.  The founders of that site, like many other sites providing resources to same-sex couples, saw a need for resources that specifically understand the needs of same-sex couples.  That's why I started my gay wedding planning company 6.5 years ago and is why I'm the blogger on TheKnot.com's site for gay weddings, Gay.Weddings.com.

Equally Wed, Gay.Weddings.com and their counterparts, QueerlyWed.com, GayWeddings.com, RainbowWeddingNetwork.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com also mentioned in the article are doing great things to respond to the unique (and yes they are unique) needs of those couples. 

Because I work closely with wedding industry vendors, in addition to couples, I am asked by vendors for advice on how to do the right thing.  Many well-meaning vendors assume the industry is integrated and that same-sex and opposite-sex couples experience the same trials and tribulations during their planning.  They assume that same-sex and opposite-sex couples appear side-by-side on wedding blogs, in magazines and in online wedding directories.  We're not there yet.  

But we're getting there.  The same-sex couples featured in Brides magazine and Martha Stewart will help.  But the reality is that there is still a need for a separate space for LGBT couples which is the reason for those sites.  

It's my company's mission to eliminate homophobia and heterosexism (the mostly accidental assumption that every couple is a bride and a groom) from the wedding industry.  That's a lofty goal.  But when it's all said and done, I care more about integration than segregation.  

I'd like to put myself out of business - but I need the help of those well-meaning vendors, Publishers and Editors.  We all have to do the right thing and stop making assumptions about the gender of the couple.  We all have to understand the unique needs of same-sex couples.  It's not just good for society but it's good for business. 

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek from A Regal Affair who wrote to me with this question:  do same-sex couples change their last names after marriage?  What are some trends you've seen?

• Same-sex couples who have been together for years are most likely to keep their original last names.
• Same-sex couples who are 35 and younger are more inclined to changing their names.

I've seen hyphenated last names - like my wife, Jennifer Coveney-Smith.  I've seen non-hyphenated like me, Bernadette Coveney Smith (yes, we did something different).  I've seen one partner take the others' last name, like my brides who are getting married on Saturday, who will both use the last name of DeMarco.  

But I love it when same-sex couples invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as they begin a new life together, they do so with a new name.  

Examples:
Old names: Caulfield and Stansberry
New last name:  Stansfield (merging Caulfield and Stansberry)

Old names:  Zeitlin and Sakash
New name:  Zash

What does this mean for you in the wedding industry?  First, don't assume that you'll know what the couple is doing.  Second, if you know it, use their new last names in post-wedding correspondence.   Third, be mindful that it's much easier for a legally married individual to change his or her name than someone who is not legally married.  All my clients have to show is a certified copy of their marriage license, like any other person.  Same-sex couples who have commitment ceremonies and are not legally married have to go through their state's name change process (which typically involves petitioning a judge).  I talked to a couple recently who were denied the name change by a homophobic judge.

What have you seen some couples do regarding their last names after marriage?

As you start working with engaged same-sex couples, you'll probably first start getting business from couples who have been together for YEARS!  These couples may be in their late 30s to 50s or older and are so eager to get married. They probably never expected to see it in their lifetime.  Here's what you should expect from these couples:

• very little, if any, parental involvement in the decision-making process
• pay for the wedding entirely by themselves
• may have been previously married to members of the opposite sex
• may have children from those previous straight marriages
• a strong appreciation of the legality of their gay marriage
• a deep appreciation of YOU as a vendor and your kindness to them as a same-sex couple
• a willingness to be less traditional in their gay wedding ceremony
• a wedding reception that may be more of an elegant formal dinner party than a typical wedding reception with dancing
• often plan their wedding on a short lead time
• smaller weddings, with fewer than 100 guests, often fewer than 50

I'm an AmeriCorps alum and our slogan is "putting idealism to work."  I think being a producer of gay weddings and an educator about gay weddings is a pretty idealistic career. 

I love meeting wedding vendors who say to me, "I'm so supportive of gay marriage. There's no difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding.  Love is love is love!"

It's very sweet.  And it's very idealistic.  And then I hear stories like the one I heard from Lacy Branch in St. Louis where she got a call from a same-sex couple and she was the only planner in her area who would talk to them.  And the story from Kelly Karli in Vail who received a call from a guy almost embarrassed to tell her that he wants to go in drag on his wedding day. And these stories are part of the reasons gay weddings are different.

Of course when I was 27 and my company was brand new, I was ultra-idealistic and while I still have a good solid sense of that idealism, the reality of spending six years working with couples seeking acceptance and equality changes that.  I'd love to put myself out of business someday.  But until then, it's important to remind yourself that gay weddings are different.

Just ask any same-sex couple living in one of the 45 states where their relationship is not recognized.

If you're a wedding vendor who believes that "love is love is love" and you still have photos of straight couples plastered all over your site with the phrase "bride and groom" everywhere, then please start walking the talk.

I get this question all the time, "What's the difference between a straight and a gay wedding?"  The last person to ask was sweetheart Colin Cowie, whom I met last week at Engage!

I'd be out of business if I couldn't answer it.  It's the reason there's demand for a gay wedding producer.  Here's a short list of differences:

• 50% of the country is opposed to gay marriage and many in the wedding industry do not support it either - couples face discrimination.
• And it's perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT couples in 28 U.S. states (i.e. a vendor can say, "I don't want to work with you.")
• Who do you think fills the role of the "bride" during a wedding processional, when there are two brides or two grooms?  We typically avoid anyone assuming this role by having the couple process together, hand-in-hand, or down two aisles simultaneously...
• What do lesbian brides wear?
• What do you call an engaged lesbian who doesn't feel like a "bride?"

Just a little food for thought...the list goes on.  How do you answer this question?

Last week my company helped four same-sex couples from other states (Nevada, California, Pennsylvania and Texas) legally marry in Massachusetts.  This week, we're working with brides from Mississippi.  This "elopement" service is offered by my company just to make it legal.  Last year we worked with 53 couples from 27 states.  This service brings a lot of money into my company - and into the state of Massachusetts. My clients (eight individuals) and their guests last week collectively spent over $15,000.  It adds up fast.

At least half of these couples plan a party or a celebration - and/or a marriage reenactment - when they get back home.  

If you don't work in a state where gay marriage is legal, you may still get business from these couples.  If you answer your phone and speak to a man who is inquiring about a wedding celebration, are you going to ask him the name of his bride?  Be careful.  It's just that type of assumption that can cost you business.  

Gay and lesbian couples from all over the U.S. are traveling to legally marry and then planning a party back home, a party which requires vendors from the wedding and hospitality industry.  You may need to be ready sooner than you think.

In your business, have you worked with couples who first legally married in another state?

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek for her great question asking me to dispel some gay wedding myths.  If you have any questions for me about gay weddings, gay wedding traditions, the business of gay wedding, marketing, etc, please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer here in the blog.

So, gay wedding myths....

• Myth:  a gay wedding is the same as a straight wedding, except with two partners of the same gender.  Reality: gay weddings have their own traditions, their own family dynamics and their own personalities and require a different layer of knowledge and sensitivity.
• Myth:  gay men will want to dress in drag, wear a gown, wear makeup, carry a bouquet, and otherwise be non-masculine.  Reality:  I've never had a groom in a dress.  It's rare and uncommon.
• Myth: gay grooms won't need a wedding planner because they secretly want to be a wedding planner (or already are one).  Reality:  gay men are just as busy as the rest of us and many have no interest in wedding/event planning.  I've planned many weddings for gay men.
• Myth:  lesbians are cheap and have bad taste and their weddings will be reflect that!  Reality:  lesbians want beautiful, elegant, and lavish weddings also.  I've planned many of them!
• Myth:  in a lesbian marriage, one will assume a male and one will assume a female role and will dress accordingly at their wedding.  Reality:  42% of lesbian weddings have two brides in two dresses and many relationships have no gender role dynamic.
• Myth:  two brides = two bridezillas!  Reality:  It's just not true.  Lesbian brides have no greater tendency towards drama than her heterosexual counterpart.  

What other stereotypes have you heard about gay weddings?

A funny thing has happened in the past six years.  Same-sex couples meet, fall in love, get engaged and then get married.  And at least here in most of New England and now DC and Iowa, getting married and planning for a gay wedding has become the "normal" next step in a relationship.  It's legal and a legitimate, common option for couples.  Most of these weddings have no overt political agenda - they're just about the love of two people. 

Two of our dear friends recently got engaged after a 18 months of dating and will probably be marrying sometime in the next year or so.  And to us, and to our other friends, this is just what happens now.  Marriage is legal and gay weddings are happening all over the place, and then after the wedding, lots of gay and lesbian families (like ours) plan for kids.  

In those states where gay marriage is not yet legal (45 states!), you'll see the same phenomenon.  Some couples in those states are still having non-legal commitment ceremonies but the reality is that real, legal gay marriages are going to come, and when they do, the whole wedding and honeymoon industry going to change.  It'll be revolutionary and then it'll normalize, just like it has in the places that it is legal.

The trick is get yourself ready now.

What are you doing to prepare your business?