Gay Weddings are Good for Business

It's pretty standard for legal gay weddings to have this very strong energy of triumph to them, a spirit of "FINALLY!  We can get legally married!"  As a result, many couples seek to bring a little bit of politics into their ceremony, and sometimes even their reception.

Two of the most popular readings at gay marriage ceremonies come from court rulings - the Goodridge ruling and the Walker ruling - check them out!  

I've even had clients bring politics into their reception - naming tables after famous LGBT people in history, hosting the reception somewhere that has given a lot to marriage equality efforts - and I even had a couple name their signature cocktail the Revolution - in honor of the marriage equality revolution.  

I hope these ideas help you help your clients put a little more edginess into their wedding!

Question:  What are the major differences, if any, for vendors working on a gay wedding as opposed to a straight wedding? 

Answer: There are not many differences on the wedding day itself. You may notice two aisles or the couple walking into the ceremony together or some traditions being excluded or some fun additions to the celebration or some guests who really don't want to be there - but the wedding day itself is very similar. 

The planning process is where most of the differences are especially if you have clients who want something nontraditional, if one or both partners is transgender or if you live in a place where same-sex marriage is not widely accepted.

Do you  have any burning questions for me?  Ask them here and I'll answer in an upcoming post!

Question:  What goes through a couple's mind as they are planning a wedding and how can we as vendors best make them feel comfortable? 

Answer:  Gay couples experience the same or similar emotions as straight couples:   budget concerns, guest list concerns, decor, etc. 

 But then you add on a new set of emotions and questions such as: 

• Am I going to be discriminated against? 
• I wish I didn't have to keep coming out of the closet every time I call someone. 
• I hope my Aunt Jessie comes to the wedding. 
• Will my dad be willing to walk me down the aisle? 
• We're two grooms - how do we walk down the aisle? 

 As a wedding vendor, the best thing you can do is listen and not make assumptions. Don't make assumptions about whether there will or won't be a wedding party, about whether there will or won't be parental emotional or financial involvement, about whether there will be a religious ceremony, etc.  Just listen and go with the flow!

Do you  have any burning questions for me?  Ask them here and I'll answer in an upcoming post!

I have a bunch of questions that have come in from wedding professionals and I'll be answering a bunch in the coming weeks.  Here we go:

Question:  What's the best way to find officiants who are qualified and willing to do a gay wedding?

Answer: You have to ask officiants individually. This is part of the process of building your team of vendors (not just officiants) who are gay owned and gay-friendly businesses. There's no getting around it. You just have to ask and make an assessment of how comfortably they answered the question. A good resource for officiants who have a specific understanding of gay weddings is the Celebrant Institute. 

Do you have any burning questions?  Ask them here and I'll answer in an upcoming post!

I believe that gay weddings change the world.  Really?  Yes, really.  In fact, I don't just believe it.  I know it.  

If you think about it, it was only 1967 that interracial marriage was legalized (Loving v Virginia).  The U.S. Supreme Court evoked the 14th Amendment in that ruling (one of the inspiration for 14 Stories, by the way).  That was a revolutionary ruling, a decision that changed lives forever.  

And gay marriage is this generation's civil rights movement.  The first gay marriages in the U.S. started in Massachusetts in 2004.  Since then, there have been about 50,000 legal marriages in the U.S.  50,000 marriages in an industry that produces 2.3 million straight weddings each year.  That makes gay marriages/gay weddings downright rare.  It makes them historic. That's right: gay weddings make history.

But how do they change the world?

Well, most guests at gay weddings are straight.  And most guests have never been to a gay wedding before.  That creates an extraordinary opportunity to open some eyes and create change.  And that change happens during the marriage ceremony, when that couple's story is told, when they make promises to one another and when they are declared legally married.  Not just partners for life or some other euphemism, but legally married.    

And then those straight guests go home, they tell their friends, neighbors and co-workers, "I went to the greatest wedding last weekend..." and they talk about the gay wedding with this sense of purpose and mission and passion.  And then they answer some questions, tell some more stories, maybe change call their politician or change the way they vote...

Those are the stories that change the world.  And that is why I do what I do and why I train others to be advocates for their clients.  Gay marriage is illegal in most places in the world, so all those stories from all those legal weddings make all the difference.  Just ask Frank Bruni, whose fantastic column tells some of those stories..

(photo by Zoom Photography)

I'm in the middle of another 3 part Gay Wedding Certification Course and had an excellent question from one of my students:


In short, no.  They are very appreciative of wedding vendors who take the time to be sensitive to their unique needs and challenges, but are not looking for special treatment. They just want equal treatment.


But again, this is not about getting special treatment above and beyond what engaged straight couples receive - this is about being treated like all other clients, but with a special understanding of the nuances of gay weddings.

Yesterday I was interviewed on the National Public Radio Station, WNYC, on the show "Soundcheck" to talk about music at gay weddings.  Last week they had a show about music at weddings and a listener wrote to complain that same-sex weddings were left out of the discussion.  They called me up and I filled them in about music at gay weddings.

You can listen to the entire clip here.

The bottom line is that there is a difference in what many same-sex couples request, as compared to opposite-sex couples.  The first example that comes to mind is that many same-sex couples request pop music during their ceremony processional and recessional, as opposed to the traditional classical pieces.  I give some examples during the show.

Enjoy!

If you are in the business of weddings and find yourself referring wedding officiants to couples, you may have some challenges with gay weddings.  First off, they are not sanctioned by most churches and if your client wants a secular ceremony, the options get a little confusing.

If your state allows Justices of the Peace or judges to perform ceremonies and if gay marriage is legal in your state, then by law, all JPs and judges must officiate same-sex weddings.  However, you'll find some JPs who welcome LGBT clients with open arms and others to pretend they are booked on that specific day or otherwise flat-out deny a couple their services.  I've seen it happen even when it's against the law.  

The best resource I've found for officiants is Celebrants-USA.  It's an intensive training so individuals learn to perform life ceremonies - this could include marriage ceremonies, baby blessings and so forth.  Celebrants can draw from a variety of cultural backgrounds to create a very personal and meaningful ceremony.  Technically and legally they are ministers but they serve a non-denominational and usually non-religious role.  Celebrants are great!

It's VERY common for same-sex couples to have a loved one marry them.  This could be a family member or friend who gets a license online from the Universal Life Church to perform marriage ceremonies.  It's pretty easy for them to do and many couples appreciate this personal approach.

As a wedding vendor, when you are looking for officiants to refer your clients to, I'd start with Celebrants-USA and from there, make calls to those who advertise on PurpleUnions.com, SoYoureEnGAYged.com and GayWeddings.com.  Don't refer vendors without first chatting to them about your client in the instance that the officiant may not be as gay-friendly as they pretend to be in their ad!

Who has officiated your same-sex client's weddings?

Today, Governor Quinn of Illinois, signed a law legalizing civil unions.  This law will go into effect on June 1.

How will this change your business?

First of all, you need to decide whether or not you want to actively seek the civil union market.  This is a business decision, a marketing decision.  There are some people who believe that they will possibly lose business from more conservative straight clients if they proactively advertise or market their support of same-sex civil unions.  As a business owner, you need to decide whether or not you want to take that "risk."  If you would rather be passive, I respect that decision but if you want to be proactive, keep reading...

If you do want to proactively reach the civil union market, you  must first go through your website, marketing materials, contracts and forms and neutralize all language that implies there's one bride and one groom with bridesmaids and groomsmen.  You can do the same with photos.  You can also use the term "civil union" on your website, and say something along the lines of "Special Weddings can help with your wedding, civil union or party."

Then, you'll need to do some advertising and my top gay wedding directory suggestions are GayWeddings.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com.

Then, you should do some heavy reading - and dig through old blog posts on this site www.GayWeddingInstitute.com and consider buying my book for couples!  My book just for you, vendors, will be out in the summer!

Are you hoping to work with any couples in Illinois planning civil unions?

Many people think that my wife Jen is straight.  She doesn't look like the lesbian stereotype.  Jen often works weddings with me as my assistant and has found herself in interesting situations because she is assumed to be straight.  Some of the wedding guests have approached her as if she is a straight beacon of light in a sea of homosexuals.  She's heard comments like, "I just don't know how I feel about this." and "What do you think about all this?" and "Well, we're Catholic so this is difficult..."

Jen is great at rolling with it and calming guests down, without coming out.  How would you respond in such a situation if you were approached by guests in such a way?