Gay Weddings are Good for Business

The next two weekends, I have two weddings which will each have a sizable number of transgender guests. I'm in the process of creating signage for a few restrooms that say, All Genders (in one instance) and Unisex (in the other). 

Here's why:

• Non-trans individuals frequently feel the need to "police" restrooms if they see someone who may be, for example, a very butch woman who may look like a man, in the women's room. This isn't a wedding situation but happens in general. 
• Non-trans guests are less likely to do a double-take at someone's gender presentation if they are in a neutral restroom. 
• Some people feel neither male nor female, but rather somewhere in between - and would prefer a space where they don't have to choose a gendered restroom.

You may encounter a similar situation or client request. Roll with it and make the signs. It's not a big deal and may make your clients and their guests more comfortable.

Today, a district court judge ruled that part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutional.  You can learn more more about the Defense of Marriage Act by following that link, but essentially, it means that my gay marriage in Massachusetts is meaningless most everywhere else including at the federal level and in most states.  Currently this ruling only affects Massachusetts residents.

The law explicitly includes a piece that U.S. states that don't allow gay marriage don't have to recognize gay marriages performed in U.S. states that do.

If this ruling stands, it is significant for a number of reasons and may impact your wedding business:

• Similar lawsuits will follow, opening the door to federal recognition by couples who live in Connecticut, Vermont, and the other places gay marriage is legal.
• You'll see more large receptions in your state hosted by couples who marry where it's legal and return home - the number of couples traveling to legally marry will jump dramatically because it will actually mean something (benefits) on the federal level!
• This should open the door for more states to legalize gay marriage as they see money lost to states where it is.
• Other parts of DOMA that impact the 45 states where gay marriage is illegal are also being challenged.  These states may be forced to recognize gay marriages performed in states where it is.  This means more weddings!
• This ruling will mean more wedding sales for all of us - an annual increase of $9.5 billion when gay marriage is legalized nationally (according to Forbes)

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?

Thanks to Mark Kingsdorf from Queen of Hearts Wedding Consultants and Michelle Martinez from Allure Consulting for this question:  

What's the difference between same-sex marriage and a gay wedding? Is one more correct than the other?  In marketing materials, what phrase should I use - those or commitment ceremonies, civil unions or something else?

A marriage is just that, a civil institution with certain protections and benefits.  The marriage can happen at City Hall.  But we're in the business of weddings.  When I'm speaking about public policy and laws, I use the term same-sex marriage or gay marriage.  When I speak about the celebrations, I call them weddings.

For your marketing materials, if you want to indicate that you are excited to support and work with same-sex couples, you should first think about the demographics and reality of your service area.  For example:

• If you are based in New Jersey or work with couples from there, civil unions (which are legal in New Jersey) is an appropriate phrase.
• If you are based in a state where gay marriage is legal (Vermont, DC, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Iowa, Connecticut), using the phrases LGBT weddings, gay weddings or same-sex weddings is appropriate.
• If you are based in a state where none of the above applies, commitment ceremonies would be the most accurate term.  Commitment ceremonies are a non-legal celebration of a relationship.

How are you planning to market your business to engaged gay and lesbian couples?

Jen and I were at a wedding open house a few weeks ago and one of the vendors, upon hearing of our niche, said to us, "That's great!  I'd love to work with you to support these alternative lifestyles."

Coming out (of the closet) is the ongoing process of telling people that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.  It may start with friends, continue on to family, then co-workers, then neighbors and so on every time new people enter your life.  Being LGBT is not as obvious as being a person of color, for example, so the process of coming out is ongoing.

You may have noticed that the Obama administration recently made a high profile transgender appointment.  It's a giant leap forward for transgender visibility in Washington, DC.  That article I linked to, incidentally, was written by a client of mine, Joanne Herman, author of the book Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not. I highly recommend her articles and book for no-nonsense, no jargon explanations.

The term civil union gets bounced around a lot.  It's very confusing so let me define it:

Copied directly from Merriam-Webster: