Gay Weddings are Good for Business

I spoke with two brides planning their gay wedding last week who already have a venue picked out but not booked.  They called me because they were a little concerned.

So, I went to the venue's website and the first sentence of the first paragraph on the weddings page is, "Toast the Bride and the Groom from the terrace with its view of the surrounding hills."

But can we toast just the brides?
Or can we toast just the grooms?

That's what this lesbian couple called me to find out.  Is this a gay-friendly venue?  They'd have to come out to the venue and ask that question themselves.  What if these two were nervous about calling and asking and coming out?  That's not unusual.  

Is this venue willing to risk losing $30,000 on food and beverage rather than make the photos and language on their website inclusive?   Are you?

Last week my company helped four same-sex couples from other states (Nevada, California, Pennsylvania and Texas) legally marry in Massachusetts.  This week, we're working with brides from Mississippi.  This "elopement" service is offered by my company just to make it legal.  Last year we worked with 53 couples from 27 states.  This service brings a lot of money into my company - and into the state of Massachusetts. My clients (eight individuals) and their guests last week collectively spent over $15,000.  It adds up fast.

At least half of these couples plan a party or a celebration - and/or a marriage reenactment - when they get back home.  

If you don't work in a state where gay marriage is legal, you may still get business from these couples.  If you answer your phone and speak to a man who is inquiring about a wedding celebration, are you going to ask him the name of his bride?  Be careful.  It's just that type of assumption that can cost you business.  

Gay and lesbian couples from all over the U.S. are traveling to legally marry and then planning a party back home, a party which requires vendors from the wedding and hospitality industry.  You may need to be ready sooner than you think.

In your business, have you worked with couples who first legally married in another state?

Six years ago today, the first gay marriages in the United States took place in cities and towns around the state of Massachusetts.  Six months earlier, gay marriage was legalized by a ruling of the Supreme Judicial Court, in a case argued by GLAD.  As of May 17, 2004, my company's doors had been open for three months.  Our first real wedding was May 22, 2004.

• Six years and well over $120 million pumped into the Massachusetts economy because of same-sex weddings.
• Six years and over 13,000 married same-sex couples
• Six years and the fourth lowest divorce rate in the country (straight or gay)

• The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) which states that the Federal Government does not recognize gay marriage performed by individual states, is being challenged by GLAD, the attorneys behind the case which first legalized gay marriage in Massachusetts.  This is notable because DOMA affects just about everything else I'm talking about below...
• Senator Harry Reid's immigration reform framework includes a proposal which would allow American partners of immigrants to sponsor the immigrant for citizenship.  This is a reaction to the Defense of Marriage Act.
• Time Magazine wrote an interesting article about the gay divorce cases in Texas which may accidentally end up legalizing gay marriage in that state.
• A great article explaining the confusion around how same-sex couples can be married in one state and not married in another.
• Seton Hall University is offering a political science course on gay marriage.  This is notable because Seton Hall is a Catholic university.
• The Governor of Hawaii is still undecided on whether she will sign the civil unions bill, says it's very much the equivalent to same-sex marriage (which she doesn't support).
• Four couples in Minnesota filed a lawsuit seeking gay marriage.  Its chances of being approved are slim and other marriage equality activists are afraid the timing is off and the backlash could result in an outright ban.
• New York City, which has a domestic partnership registry, now will offer a civil ceremony as part of the registry service at City Hall.  Note that this is different than legal gay marriage but is intended as a symbolic gesture.

Of course bachelor and bachelorette parties are heterosexual traditions but they’re also a really good time—and another excuse for a party.  Your gay and lesbian clients may ask you about how these work for same-sex couples.

Same-sex couples who are more settled tend not to have these parties, while couples that are starting out (and of typical marrying age) often do.

The gay men have wedding showers, too - they are not reserved for just the brides.  Showers are joint operations, with both partners in attendance.

When it comes to the bachelor/bachelorette parties, some same-sex couples have a joint party and some have separate parties. If they have separate groups of friends, separate parties are generally the way to go. But if their friends are merged, then I suggest a big party. I have two brides who are partying independently and meeting up at a club at the end of the night.

Jen and I chose to party together over an informal dinner, followed by a trip to a strip club (the most tasteful one in the city, if you can believe it). We were both on our best behavior (look, don’t touch) and a great time was had by all.

Have your same-sex clients asked you about these traditions?

Did you know that 2/3 of same-sex couples who marry are a partnership of two women and 1/3 are in a partnership of two men?  

I discovered that in my analysis of around 200 same-sex couples.  This jives with the vital statistics provided by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health over five years of legal gay marriage.

So where are the gay grooms?  I've talked to my clients and have some of my own theories.  Boys aren't raised with the idea of being a princess in a wedding dress some day (though some come up with that idea on their own...).  Guys are also less likely to need the validation that a wedding provides.  

By the way, Preston Bailey is engaged to his partner Theo Blackman and recently blogged about his own plans.  

So what do you think - why so few gay grooms?

Jen and I were in Montreal over the weekend and were talking to the hotel concierge about where to go for brunch.  He suggested one restaurant in particular "if we wanted to spend pink dollars."

I laughed out loud - I hadn't heard that phrase in a few years.  What on earth are pink dollars?

Pink dollars are money spent by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people to support LGBT-owned businesses.  When I'm planning a gay wedding, my client is spending pink dollars on my business (which is gay-owned)....so to speak...

As a wedding vendor, if you want to work with gay and lesbian couples, it's critical for you to proactively identify LGBT-owned wedding industry businesses in your community.

How do you do it?  ASK!  When you're calling vendors, don't be afraid to ask, "Is this a gay-owned business?" and if the answer is no, follow up with "What is your experience with gay weddings?"

As a gay wedding planner who only works with screened vendors, I've asked those questions hundreds of times....it's awkward at first but you'll get the hang of it!

Your gay wedding clients will want to keep their dollars PINK, as long as it doesn't compromise their overall wedding vision.  

Have you started identifying gay owned businesses in your area?

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?