Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Did you hear the news about Hawaii?

The state legislature has passed civil unions and the bill is now headed to the Governor's desk who hasn't said anything about whether she will sign it.

Also in the news...

• Illinois State Rep Deborah Mell is out and engaged to her partner.  She's seeking to marry in Iowa because gay marriage is not legal in her home state of Illinois and is pressing the Illinois legislature to pass civil unions.
• The closing arguments in the trial to overturn Proposition 8 have, at long last, been scheduled for June 16.  Proposition 8 made gay marriage in California illegal on election day, 2008.

What's happening in your neck of the woods?

The first day gay marriage was legal in the District of Columbia, at least 37 same-sex couples applying for marriage licenses were from the State of Maryland.  And that was just the first day.

Since Maryland now recognizes gay marriages performed in other states, same-sex couples from Maryland will naturally go to D.C. first and foremost for their gay wedding plans and spend their gay wedding dollars in the District rather than over the border in Maryland.  The Wedding Report indicates that the average cost of a wedding in D.C. is twice the national average, at around $42,000.

Virginia, to D.C.'s south, doesn't recognize these same-sex marriages at all, so is truly missing a big financial windfall - but at the same time, their residents are less likely to marry in DC because their marriages won't be recognized when they return.

Maryland's new policy is great news for its gay and lesbian residents but the state's economy is missing a lucrative opportunity.

Have you seen same-sex couples from Maryland prepare for big weddings in DC now that gay marriage is recognized?

For the past six years, I've been tracking gay weddings, noting trends and keeping data.  In my independent analysis of nearly 200 lesbian couples, this is what they wore at their gay wedding:

• 46% of lesbian couples wore one dress and one pants suit or tux
• 42% of lesbian couples each wore a wedding gown (two gowns)
• 12% of lesbian couples each wore a pants suit (two suits or tuxes)

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek for her great question asking me to dispel some gay wedding myths.  If you have any questions for me about gay weddings, gay wedding traditions, the business of gay wedding, marketing, etc, please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer here in the blog.

So, gay wedding myths....

• Myth:  a gay wedding is the same as a straight wedding, except with two partners of the same gender.  Reality: gay weddings have their own traditions, their own family dynamics and their own personalities and require a different layer of knowledge and sensitivity.
• Myth:  gay men will want to dress in drag, wear a gown, wear makeup, carry a bouquet, and otherwise be non-masculine.  Reality:  I've never had a groom in a dress.  It's rare and uncommon.
• Myth: gay grooms won't need a wedding planner because they secretly want to be a wedding planner (or already are one).  Reality:  gay men are just as busy as the rest of us and many have no interest in wedding/event planning.  I've planned many weddings for gay men.
• Myth:  lesbians are cheap and have bad taste and their weddings will be reflect that!  Reality:  lesbians want beautiful, elegant, and lavish weddings also.  I've planned many of them!
• Myth:  in a lesbian marriage, one will assume a male and one will assume a female role and will dress accordingly at their wedding.  Reality:  42% of lesbian weddings have two brides in two dresses and many relationships have no gender role dynamic.
• Myth:  two brides = two bridezillas!  Reality:  It's just not true.  Lesbian brides have no greater tendency towards drama than her heterosexual counterpart.  

What other stereotypes have you heard about gay weddings?

Though not directly related to gay marriage or gay weddings, President Obama's mandate this week provides a significant right to partners of gays and lesbians....read on....

In the U.S.:

• President Obama issued a mandate which requires hospitals to extend visitation and decision-making rights to the partners of gay men and lesbians.  This right is something all straight married couples have, but because of DOMA, has been denied same-sex couples.  This mandate is a REALLY big deal!  
• Social Security benefits are still not offered to same sex-couples, however, and there was a protest to this effect last week in LA.  This kicks off a national campaign challenging this policy.
• A new proposition to overturn Proposition 8, which banned same-sex marriage in California (though a ballot initiative), failed to get enough support to appear on the 2010 ballot.  Another attempt will be made in 2012 and there's still an active legal challenge to Proposition 8.

Thanks to Mark Kingsdorf from Queen of Hearts Wedding Consultants and Michelle Martinez from Allure Consulting for this question:  

What's the difference between same-sex marriage and a gay wedding? Is one more correct than the other?  In marketing materials, what phrase should I use - those or commitment ceremonies, civil unions or something else?

A marriage is just that, a civil institution with certain protections and benefits.  The marriage can happen at City Hall.  But we're in the business of weddings.  When I'm speaking about public policy and laws, I use the term same-sex marriage or gay marriage.  When I speak about the celebrations, I call them weddings.

For your marketing materials, if you want to indicate that you are excited to support and work with same-sex couples, you should first think about the demographics and reality of your service area.  For example:

• If you are based in New Jersey or work with couples from there, civil unions (which are legal in New Jersey) is an appropriate phrase.
• If you are based in a state where gay marriage is legal (Vermont, DC, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Iowa, Connecticut), using the phrases LGBT weddings, gay weddings or same-sex weddings is appropriate.
• If you are based in a state where none of the above applies, commitment ceremonies would be the most accurate term.  Commitment ceremonies are a non-legal celebration of a relationship.

How are you planning to market your business to engaged gay and lesbian couples?

A funny thing has happened in the past six years.  Same-sex couples meet, fall in love, get engaged and then get married.  And at least here in most of New England and now DC and Iowa, getting married and planning for a gay wedding has become the "normal" next step in a relationship.  It's legal and a legitimate, common option for couples.  Most of these weddings have no overt political agenda - they're just about the love of two people. 

Two of our dear friends recently got engaged after a 18 months of dating and will probably be marrying sometime in the next year or so.  And to us, and to our other friends, this is just what happens now.  Marriage is legal and gay weddings are happening all over the place, and then after the wedding, lots of gay and lesbian families (like ours) plan for kids.  

In those states where gay marriage is not yet legal (45 states!), you'll see the same phenomenon.  Some couples in those states are still having non-legal commitment ceremonies but the reality is that real, legal gay marriages are going to come, and when they do, the whole wedding and honeymoon industry going to change.  It'll be revolutionary and then it'll normalize, just like it has in the places that it is legal.

The trick is get yourself ready now.

What are you doing to prepare your business?

Iowa celebrated one year of gay marriage this week.  Read more on that story and some other gay marriage and wedding highlights from around the world.

In the U.S.

• New Jersey lawmakers are attempting to stop a court from hearing a case challenging existing civil unions as separate and unequal.  That case is the latest attempt to pave the way for gay marriage in New Jersey.
• Iowa's had gay marriage now for one year and the sky has not fallen.  As of the end of 2009, 1773 same-sex couples married, with over 1000 from non-Iowa residents.  Illinois alone had 172 same-sex couples marry in Iowa, followed by Missouri, Nebraska and Minnesota.  Despite opposition by Republican gubernatorial candidates, same-sex marriage appears secure in Iowa for the time being.
• The majority of Californians recently polled now support same-sex marriage.  California had gay marriage for six months before its repeal after a ballot initiative in 2008.

I was asked on Twitter recently if same-sex couples typically get ready together before the wedding.  It's a great question and something a lot of wedding vendors don't even think about.

Yes, most same-sex couples get ready together before the wedding.  The two brides have their hair and makeup done together.  If they have a wedding party, that group is all together.  Formal photos (even with family) are then taken before the ceremony so that once the wedding officially starts, there are no interruptions for formal pics.  Cocktail hour is spent enjoying cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

Why is this?  A few reasons:

• Partners are often each other's best friend and closest confidante.  They value each other's opinion on how one looks and they want to enjoy the little quiet moments together before they're officially married.
• Gay wedding ceremonies are often in the same location as the reception, and that ceremony time often cuts into the 5 hour rental, thereby reducing the length of the reception (sometimes couples will book the space for an additional hour).  With such a short reception, why sacrifice any of it to formal photos?

Cooper and Tim getting ready.   Photo by Gretje Ferguson

Now, I said that's what most couples do; I've had a several (fewer than ten couples, all women) choose to wait on seeing each other and have the "first look" captured by the photographer.  Those couples have seen each other for the first time as they go down the aisle(s).  

To find out what your client wants to do, ask, don't assume.  Simply ask, "Are you getting ready together?" and "Will there be formal photos taken before the wedding ceremony?"  Those open-ended questions will get you the information you need without making anyone uncomfortable.

Are your clients planning to get ready together?

I wanted to tell you that my wife, Jen Coveney-Smith is pregnant.  She's due in October.  It's a blessing and we're very excited to bring a baby into our already pretty awesome lives.

I thought it would be good to take this opportunity to answer any questions you may have about how same-sex couples start families.  I've had a bunch of clients with kids and many more planning to start families.  If you are working with same-sex couples on their gay wedding plans, you may be very curious about where the kids will come from - but be sure to satisfy your curiosity by asking your questions delicately and using open ended sentences. 

Here's our story:
Last fall we went to an open house on lesbian reproduction at a local health center.  We learned about our options for pregnancy and decided that Jen was going to carry the baby and the sperm would come from an anonymous donor from a sperm bank.  Jen's 34 and will be 35 in August.  We looked through the donor databases at a few different places, noting things like eye and hair color, height, weight, education, favorite tv show, favorite childhood memories and so on.  There's even one bank that tells you the donor's celebrity lookalike - very cool.  

We chose a donor who we both crushed on.  We don't know his celebrity lookalike but his profile sounded perfect to us.  And after the age of 18, the kid could even get to the contact the donor.  Not all donors consent to that but we thought that was a cool option if our kid someday felt so inclined.  

Our first insemination was on January 2 and the procedure took about 10 seconds in the doctor's office.  It's really quick and painless (according to Jen).  We were in New Orleans for The Special Event Show when Jen took a home pregnancy test, which proved to be negative.  We tried again on January 31.  On February 13, Jen had a positive pregnancy test!  She got pregnant on the second try which is pretty unbelievable for any couple, straight or gay.

We've since seen the baby's heartbeat a few times and it's really pretty cool what's going on inside her body.  We've both been kind of freaked out - Jen's freaked out by all the craziness that her body's doing; and planner that I am, I'm obsessed with space-saving strategies to fit a baby into our small 2BR condo!

But life is good.  That's just our story.   I've worked with both male and female couples on their own journey towards parenthood and by now, I'm pretty familiar with just about every available option to us so if you have any questions about either our situation or what other couples may choose, please leave it in the comments and I'm happy to answer.