Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Weekly Gay Marriage Roundup

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 29, 2010

New feature: every Friday, I'll be sharing some interesting news regarding gay weddings and gay marriage laws. I'm hopeful that the news won't always be depressing about gay marriage bans and such. So, here we go:

Annette Bening and Julianne Moore play a lesbian couple in a new movie that's a big hit at the Sundance Film Festival. The movie is about a couple who meet the sperm donor of their teenage kids and co-stars Mark Ruffalo.
Although the Mexico City legislature legalized gay marriage, it seems in jeopardy and the federal government is prepared to intervene and overturn the law.
A bill was introduce to overturn gay marriage in New Hampshire, which started on January 1 of this year.
The Indiana State Senate approved a bill to ban gay marriage. Fortunately, it looks to be defeated in the House.
Gay marriage will be legal in Nepal in May and a company is already selling gay weddings on Everest!

Do you have any news to share?

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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Top secret confidential post for wedding planners who want to reach the gay wedding market.

This is how it's different.

You are 1 part wedding planner (this you already know)

+

1 part lawyer (the legalities of where it's legal, where it's recognized and where LGBT rights are protected)

+

1 part advocate (see the coming out post)

+

1 part researcher (see the vendor screening post)

+

1 part counselor (there will be an upcoming post about family involvement or lack thereof)

Planning a gay wedding is different - but it's so worth it.

Comments

Andrinique Special Events commented on 27-Jan-2010 01:27 PM

Great, informative blog

Coming Out

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 25, 2010

Coming out (of the closet) is the ongoing process of telling people that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. It may start with friends, continue on to family, then co-workers, then neighbors and so on every time new people enter your life. Being LGBT is not as obvious as being a person of color, for example, so the process of coming out is ongoing.

As a wedding vendor, why should you care?

Each wedding involves 43 different vendors, on average. Everyone from the hair and makeup people, to the limo driver, to the coat check guy. And when gay couples are planning their wedding, they have to come out over and over and over again - to all of these people. The ones they hire and the ones they do not. Every time they visit a venue or taste cake, they must come out. Every time they interview a florist or a wedding planner, they must come out. This could mean coming out 100+ times over the course of wedding planning.

In many places (about half of the US states), it's legal for vendors to say, "I can't help you. I don't do gay weddings."

If you want to work with gay couples, you must keep this in mind every day and come out on behalf of your clients. What are you doing to make it safe for your gay and lesbian clients to come out?

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Can Gay Couples Adopt Haitian Orphans?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 22, 2010

I was reading an article that asked whether gays can support the people of Haiti by adopting orphaned children.

It's a great question and I'm sure tons of people would love to help these kids start over with healthy families.

But if you're gay and married, then you can't. Gay adoption is banned by every country in the world. If you're married, they'll know. But if you're gay and single, you can get around the rule by pretending that you're straight. If you're coupled but not married you can pretend that the person you're traveling with is your friend. But if you're married, you're out of luck.

It's a shame. You can read more about this issue here on the HRC website.

Do you know any gay couples who pretended to be straight in order to adopt a child?

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What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 20, 2010

You'd think after 6 years as a gay wedding planner, I'd have all the answers on this subject. I can tell you that for lesbian brides, figuring out what to wear is one of the greatest wedding planning stressors - and that most of the ones I've worked with want something ready to wear, not custom made. Here's what I've seen:

brides in two black cocktail dresses
brides in two white/off-white wedding gowns
brides in two white/off-white dresses (I wouldn't exactly call them gowns because they were simpler)
brides in two white suits
brides in two black suits
brides in two dresses that matched their wedding colors
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a black suit/tux
a bride in a white/off-white gown or dress and her partner in a white/off-white suit/tux

How's that for variety? Here are some tips when working with lesbian brides on their choice of attire:

Don't pass judgement based on whatever choices they make.
Don't assume that one or both partners will wear a wedding dress or gown. Instead ask, "What are you wearing?"
Do some research on your own as to what bridal shop is gay-friendly or gay-owned so you can pass a good referral.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can make a custom suit.
Identify a local gay-friendly or gay-owned business who can tailor the heck out of a men's suit to fit a woman's figure.
Identify gay-friendly or gay-owned businesses (either brick and mortar or web) who can sell a high quality ready to wear white or black suit or tux for a woman.

What have you seen lesbian brides wear to their gay wedding? Do you already have these resources identified in your community?

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Defining Transgender (and how it relates to gay weddings)

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 18, 2010

You may have noticed that the Obama administration recently made a high profile transgender appointment. It's a giant leap forward for transgender visibility in Washington, DC. That article I linked to, incidentally, was written by a client of mine, Joanne Herman, author of the book Transgender Explained For Those Who Are Not. I highly recommend her articles and book for no-nonsense, no jargon explanations.

Since many people don't understand what the T is in the LGBT acronym, let me define a few things:

Sex: what is listed on your birth certificate, depends on the sex organs you are born with. Male and female are sex categories.
Gender Identity: the way an individual feels about his or her gender. This is a broad term and includes male, female, transgender, genderqueer and so on - and may not align with their born sex.
Transgender: someone who is born one gender and is living/identifying/expressing themselves as another gender or in a gender ambiguous way (they may or may not have had sex-reassignment surgery). The T in LGBT = transgender.
Sexual Orientation: describes who you are attracted to; may be towards males, females or both genders.
MTF: a transgender person who was born male but lives as a female
FTM: a transgender person who was born female but lives as a male

In the example of my client, her sex at birth was male. Her identity is female. Her sexual orientation is a lesbian. She is an MTF.

How does this come into play with weddings? A few things to note:

If you are a wedding planner, when screening vendors and scheduling appointments for this client, tell vendors in advance that your client is transgender; even if they are comfortable with the L, G and B couples, they may not be with the T.
It's impolite to ask about the transgender client's former name or life prior to their transition.
Wedding attire shopping may be complicated and there may be extra sensitivity in the dressing room. For example, when wedding dress shopping, my client was concerned that her shoulders were too broad for a strapless dress.
Some transgender people do not "pass" easily into their new gender but you must respect the new gender regardless of their stage of transition, appearance or voice.
There may be extra sensitivity about family involvement or lack thereof.

I'll have more to add in an upcoming post.

Do you know anyone who is transgender? Have you ever worked with a transgender individual who is getting married?

Comments

Mike Wilkinson commented on 18-Jan-2010 01:19 PM

What a great explanation of some of the most frequent misconceptions about the transgender community. When I planned events for a GLBT organization I met many wonderful transgender individuals. I'd like to add that at times there were significant differences in event design depending on whether I was planning with a FTM or MTF.

Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 15, 2010

This is a real life conversation that happened during setup of one of my clients' gay weddings:

Banquet Manager: Where are the bride and groom sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

(a few minutes later)

Banquet Manager: I'm sorry, can you remind me where the bride and groom are sitting?

Bernadette: There are two brides and they are sitting over there (points to the seats).

Banquet Manager: OK....then where are the two grooms sitting?

Now, I knew that this Banquet Manager wasn't homopobic because the owner of the catering company (her boss) is gay and so were some of her colleagues. She was, in fact, very nice.

But her immediate thought after hearing me say that there were two brides was not to think that this was a same-sex wedding - but rather to think that it was a double wedding, with two straight couples.

I mention this because gay weddings are not on most people's radars. Most of the world is not used to gay weddings and if you are a wedding planner, you will have similar conversations. This is an example of heterosexism.

If you've worked at gay weddings, have you ever had a similar conversation? Or if not, do you have an example of a vendor making assumptions about your clients?

Comments

Juliet Douglas commented on 15-Jan-2010 06:39 PM

I had an October wedding for a lesbian couple last October and surprisingly we didn't have any conversations like that! The only slip up was when the amenity from the hotel read "Mr & Mrs.". I believe the hotel was not aware because one of the brides had somewhat of a unisex name. My sweet couple told me about it but had a good laugh.

RIck Aguilar commented on 15-Jan-2010 09:23 PM

Dear Bernadette,
I had a similar experience in Chicago when I was photographing a gay wedding at a public garden. We had overheard someone asking another member of the wedding party if the two ladies were marring one man,I guess he couldn't fathom two women being together?? But as continued to take photos we also heard a little girl ask her mother what was going on and after she told her the girls response was one day I am going to marry my best friend too! That story we did share with the couple.

Tips for DJs and Bands at Gay Weddings

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, January 13, 2010

A few things that wedding planners, DJs and band leaders should note related to the flow of gay weddings:

In many cases, the gay wedding ceremony will be in the same place as the reception and the ceremony space will be flipped during cocktail hour to get ready for dinner. Setup of the DJ will need to happen either before the ceremony or quickly during cocktail hour. Setup for the band will have to happen during cocktail hour, with some light setup before the ceremony.
Often, the DJ or band may be asked to play or perform ceremony music because the processional and recessional songs are frequently not your traditional classical pieces but rather fun pop songs.
You should prepare yourself and offer your clients a list of pop songs you think would be suitable for a processional and a recessional.
There probably won't be a large wedding party, if there is one at all, so in some cases for the DJ, this may require splicing a song or fading to fit a quicker processional time.
The announcement and introductions will likely be just of the newlyweds, not their entire wedding party (because the wedding party is typically small, if there even is one).
In many cases, there are no parent-child dances, and the only structured dance is the first dance.
In most cases, there is no garter or bouquet toss.
And in about 50% of my weddings, there isn't even a cake cutting.
Above all, don't play "When a Man Loves a Woman".

I'll talk about music in another post - but in the meantime, have you noticed any trends related to the flow of gay weddings that may affect DJs or bands?

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Gay Weddings at The Special Event

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, January 08, 2010

I'm really honored to have been selected to speak at The Special Event Show. This national conference covers all kinds of events, not just weddings, and my presentation, "Traditionally, at a Gay Wedding..." is part of the Wedding Trends track. We are flying to New Orleans tomorrow for a few days of R&R before the Show.

I'm thrilled to be co-presenting with my real-life spouse and partner in crime, Jen Coveney-Smith. The workshop will be held on Tuesday, January 12 from 10:45am-12:45pm in room 335. Gay weddings are different and we'll talk about the hows and whys during the presentation.

I really hope you can make it, but if not, would be thrilled to meet you at some point during the week. Jen and I will also be at the Wedding Luncheon on Wednesday and the Welcome Event Wednesday night. Jen's the tall, outgoing strawberry blonde and I'll be the slightly awkward and dorky one standing next to her. :-)

Are you planning to attend?

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Gay Marriage Comes to New Hampshire

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, January 04, 2010

I'm thrilled that gay marriage is legal in New Hampshire as of January 1. For those couples for whom civil unions were not enough, the state will now legally marry same-sex couples

What does this mean for vendors? To start with, it means more business. More engaged couples = more money. Gay weddings are different, of course, so you'll want to make sure you're up to speed with your marketing materials, knowledge of the laws, and contract language.

You're going to want to strike a delicate balance between reaching your current (likely heterosexual) market and this new market. You'll want to do this in a way so you offend no one. There's a learning curve so you can start by familiarizing yourself with some of the concepts I've posted about in the past:

I'll presenting a workshop to wedding vendors in New Hampshire on Tuesday, February 2 at the Highlander Inn in Manchester. If you'd like to learn more, you can register right here.

What have you done to prepare yourself for gay marriage in New Hampshire?

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Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Weekly Gay Marriage Roundup

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For Wedding Planners Who Want to Reach the Gay Wedding Market

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Coming Out

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Can Gay Couples Adopt Haitian Orphans?

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What Does a Lesbian Bride Wear to Her Wedding?

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Defining Transgender (and how it relates to gay weddings)

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Real Conversation During Setup of a Gay Wedding

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Tips for DJs and Bands at Gay Weddings

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Gay Weddings at The Special Event

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Gay Marriage Comes to New Hampshire

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