Gay Weddings are Good for Business

No Gay Marriage? No Problem!

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 28, 2009

Gay marriage isn't legal in most places so for many wedding vendors, it makes sense for gay weddings to not even be on their radar. Makes complete sense. But if you are gay-friendly and want to get ready anyway, there are a few things you can start doing in the meantime:

1) Volunteer for some local or national marriage equality group, or somewhere like HRC. If you support the gays, they will support you.

2) Neutralize the language on your website and in your marketing materials to avoid implying that you work only with heterosexual couples.

3) Read this blog! I'll talk a lot about laws, gay wedding traditions and tips for vendors.

4) Start making a list of other vendors in your area you know to be pro-gay weddings.

These tips will get you on the right path so that when gay marriage does come to your state, you can be ready.

What are you doing to prepare your business for gay weddings even if they seem to be a distant dream?

Comments

Marion commented on 28-Dec-2009 11:38 AM

Great suggestions. I used to say "Weddings and Civil Unions," but now that gay marriage is legal in Vermont I've struggled with what language I should use to be clearly inclusive.

I ended up including a Gay Marriage in Vermont resource page to my web site http://bit.ly/YIvNe

What You Can Learn from MyKateParkerWedding.com

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, December 23, 2009

For the past month and a half, I've been working with Kate Parker to make her new website, www.mykateparkerwedding.com inclusive of all couples. I've made some changes to their language and photos so that gay and straight couples will feel comfortable. I've written some expert advice articles for the site so that engaged gay and lesbian couples who find themselves there will realize that they are welcome and that there is content just for them. And you'll even see some real gay weddings up on the site.

This is all very significant for a number of reasons:

The site itself is very cool, intuitively and smartly designed, very useful for couples and vendors. It's a great resource for any couple that I'm proud to be associated with.
There are currently two wedding worlds on the internet - the straight wedding world (such as TheKnot.com and Brides.com) and the gay wedding world (such as GayWeddings.com, SoYoureEnGAYged.com). MyKateParkerWedding.com is the first online wedding resource to seamlessly integrate both worlds. The key word is integration (which requires a certain degree of fearlessness).
Some vendors listed on MyKateParkerWedding.com have been trained by me on how to work with gay couples and others are coming to my upcoming workshop.

Check out the site - I think you'll see some of the tips I've been discussing in these blog posts at work in the site.

In an ideal world, there won't need to be gay wedding websites and straight wedding websites, but we're just not there yet. MyKateParkerWedding.com is the first site of its kind to even come close and I'm really proud of what they're doing.

Comments

Kelly Prizel commented on 23-Dec-2009 10:29 AM

Do you know if every vendor on MyKateParkerWedding.com is willing to work with the LGBT community? This may be too early a question to ask as it's in the demo stages, but I was interested to see how MKPW will continue to support equality in terms of vendor listings.
With all your amazing articles and gender neutral language, I'm not getting married, but I'm on their newsletter list now!
I can't wait for it's release and can't wait to see what you have been working so hard on!

Bernadette commented on 23-Dec-2009 10:58 AM

Kelly, that hasn't been determined yet. All of the vendors on the site are aware of the partnership with 14 Stories and some have proactively sought training. Many others have not but I'm confident that's not a testament to their gay-friendliness or lack thereof. Distinguishing between those that have been vetted and those that have not is a barrier we are working on. Thanks so much for your comment.

Martha's Fearlessness

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Tuesday, December 22, 2009

John F. Kennedy Jr. once said, "There are risks and costs to a program of action. But they are far less than the long-range risks and costs of comfortable inaction."

I admire this quote from the man who started the Peace Corps, was the first Catholic president, was the youngest ever President and also had a Pulitzer Prize. But what does this have to do with gay weddings?

Well, gay weddings are becoming more common now that they're in nearly five states and we've had some notable celebrities have a gay marriage. They are certainly not yet mainstream, but that fantastic publication, Martha Stewart Weddings was bold enough to feature a real gay wedding in their current (anniversary) issue.

You can see the article here, on the website of the two grooms featured.

Handsome guys, eh? I love this. It's a big deal - but it's not. The real wedding is presented as any other real wedding. Gender is not mentioned. The word "gay" is nowhere to be found. It's Jeremy and Andrew's wedding. I'm so happy for them - and really proud of Darcy and the Martha Stewart for being bold enough to do this. Truly, it's a risk. They could and probably will lose subscribers.

The debut edition of Get Married magazine was the first mainstream wedding mag to feature a real gay wedding (that I'm aware of). And the issue of La Bella Bride sitting on my desk also has a real gay wedding.

But this is Martha! Martha! She's brilliant enough to know that comfortable inaction ultimately brings greater risk.

Have you seen any other mainstream wedding magazines featuring real gay weddings?

Comments

Jessy commented on 11-Jan-2010 02:38 PM

Hi Bernadette,

I just wanted to mention that the local versions of Brides magazine features my wedding to my partner in an article called "When the Experts Wed". I think that it is wonderful that they did this! This mag came out in Jan (Brides New York, though Brides Chicago was Dec), pre Martha issue.

The article wasn't a big TA DA- HERE IS A GAY WEDDING, but included my wedding along with the other experts and their straight weddings. I give a BIG hurrah to them! YAY BRIDES MAG! Their article was a quiet and giant step. You can see the article on my blog, hhttp://fleursnyc.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/brides-magazine-ask-the-experts/

Am loving your postings and blog, keep it coming! jessy in New York

Washington Post Mention

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 21, 2009

I was so pleased yesterday to see the Washington Post's article about how wedding industry vendors are preparing to reach the gay and lesbian wedding market. I was interviewed by the Post last week for this story. You can read the article here.

My additional thoughts:

DC officials have projected a $22 million increase in the economy in three years, due to gay weddings - but the prestigious Williams Institute estimates the amount at $52 million. I'm not sure where the DC figure comes from but would love to learn more.
GayWeddings.com and OutVite.com are great resources for both couples and vendors. GayWeddings.com is a great place to advertise and planners should familiarize themselves with the invitation line available there and at OutVite.com.
I'm familiar with the Kimpton properties in Boston and some other cities and they are fabulous. Gay couples like them because they have a great inclusive diversity policy. They are also pet-friendly and have a wine hour every evening. They are a great option in the contemporary luxury hotel category because of their inclusiveness and boutique feel.
You can read more about the dangerous Defense of Marriage Act here.

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Two Aisles

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Friday, December 18, 2009

Many gay and lesbian couples choose to process to the front of their sacred ceremony space down not one, but two aisles. Jen and I did this; each of our attendants alternated going down the respective aisle, then Jen and I walked parallel to each other simultaneously.

It's fairly common for a number of reasons, the main one being that in a gay or lesbian wedding, there is not necessarily a "bride" who is expected to be the center of attention. Many gay and lesbian couples who are marrying have been together already for years and want to walk separately and meet in the middle.

Regardless of whether the two aisles are parallel or coming in from opposite sides of the room, this two aisle processional is a nightmare for a photographer without an assistant! I've had a few photographers attempt to talk me out of this processional and even one trying to change it at the last minute. While there is something to be said about getting amazing wedding photographs and you'll never hear me argue otherwise, I do feel that it's important to honor this emerging gay and lesbian wedding tradition.

If you are considering having two aisles instead of one central aisle, I highly recommend that you invest in a photographer's assistant if you are concerned about capturing both of your moments in the spotlight!

Have you ever seen the couple process down two aisles at a wedding?

Comments

Jen commented on 22-Dec-2009 11:21 AM

love the information you are giving in this blog! I will be photographing my first gay wedding next summer and know there will be some traditions that won't be present in the couple's day, but this in particular is something I hadn't thought about. thanks for the helpful info from a photography perspective!

What's a Civil Union?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, December 16, 2009

The term civil union gets bounced around a lot. It's very confusing so let me define it:

Civil Union, according to the American Heritage Dictionary: A legal union of a same-sex couple, sanctioned by a civil authority.

So, we know that it's legal and we know that it refers to same-sex couples and we know that it's a civil, not a religious institution.

But what's not mentioned is that it's a separate and unequal institution. Same-sex couples get some of the same rights as married heterosexual partners, but not all. And civil unions are not recognized by the U.S. federal government.

In the US, civil unions started in Vermont in 2000 and have also been created in New Jersey, New Hampshire and Connecticut. It's worth noting that all but New Jersey now have legal gay marriage (and it's being debated in New Jersey as I type). Civil unions are also common in many parts of Europe.

So if civil unions are perceived by governments as a good compromise and avoid the term marriage (which for some has religious implications), then why is there still such a stubborn fight for gay marriage? I think Portia de Rossi said it well on The View a few weeks ago. Although the whole interview is good, the part at about 1:15 is particularly compelling:

The bottom line is that civil unions still imply "lesser than" - equal marriage. And it's not just the implication - it's the reality.

Do you think that civil unions are the most effective way to promote equal rights to LGBT individuals? Do you know anyone who has the opportunity to get a civil union but is holding out for marriage? If you are straight, how would you feel if your were only afforded a civil union, not a full marriage?

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Should Your 2010 Marketing Plan Include a LGBT Strategy?

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 14, 2009

We all know that we can't be every couple's planner, photographer, DJ, venue etc. We can't. We have to pre-qualify our clients and we have to know who our target market is. Once we do, we can create a specific marketing strategy. I know that as 2010 approaches, many of us are re-evaluating our marketing strategy for the new year, and one of the questions that is being asked is, "Should I begin marketing to gay and lesbian couples? Should I start working on gay weddings?"

It's fair to say no. Your business might not be ready. You may live in a conservative area or have a very traditional client base. I understand that marketing to gay couples and working on gay weddings can involve risk and that it requires authentic courage and authentic action.

Whatever your choice is and whatever the reason for your choice, I'm not personally offended - the reality is that it's a business decision. And if you don't want to reach this market, someone else will.

My goal with this site in 2010 is to help wedding industry vendors learn how to be inclusive in a way that doesn't change your brand or your identity, that helps you and helps gay and lesbian couples without alienating your primary heterosexual market. It can be done.

Are you planning to add a LGBT marketing strategy into your 2010 marketing plan?

Comments

Danny commented on 14-Dec-2009 07:01 PM

Interesting post…
As a gay business owner catering to a mostly heterosexual client base I have misstepped before when a couple contacted me for a consultation and didn't disclose that they were a same sex couple. So I sent them my usual questionnaire complete with sections for bride and groom. One of the brides who returned the form was pleasant, but understandable coy about disclosing that they were a same sex couple. It made me feel awful that they may have felt disrespected somehow, but I also feel like they should have been more up-front with who they are…it’s all very awkward still.

Bernadette commented on 14-Dec-2009 07:21 PM

Danny, thanks for commenting. The solution is simple going forward - you can use terms like "client names" or "the couple" or "bride/groom" in your contract, marketing materials and questionnaire. I hope that little tip helps save you from future awkwardness.

Separating Your Website for Straight and Gay Clients

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 14, 2009

When I was speaking about gay weddings to a group of wedding professionals recently, one of the questions I was asked was whether vendors should create one website targeting engaged straight couples and another website targeting engaged gay and lesbian couples.

I strongly advise you not to do this.

Despite your best intentions, this will make you inauthentic:

Your straight clients will find the gay website and the more open-minded of those couples won't respect you because you're afraid to be openly inclusive. The less open-minded ones will also find your alternate site and may be offended.
And I promise you that the gay clients will find the straight website and will think you're afraid to indicate your support of gay couples on your regular site.

There's no reason you can't have one smartly written site with inclusive photos, assembled in a way as to not offend straight or gay couples. I know this is a delicate act - but it can be done.

Have you considered having two websites targeting each the straight wedding and the gay wedding market?

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Tax Implications for Gay Couples

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Wednesday, December 09, 2009

One of the major disadvantages of DOMA is that gays and lesbians are unfairly taxed. This means several important things:

1. Married gay couples are taxed by the federal government on the portion of employer-provided health insurance because that portion is treated as income. For example, I am on Jen's health insurance. Her employer pays extra for the family plan. The difference between what they pay towards the "family plan" and what they paid for her as an individual, is treated as income and she's taxed. This doesn't happen with straight married couples.

2. Married gay couples file their state income tax return jointly but file their federal tax return as singles. This may mean significant additional taxes.

3. Gay couples face higher estate taxes. If one half of a married gay or lesbian couple dies, the surviving partner will have to pay taxes on the estate. Straight couples are exempt from this tax.

All of these tax implications amount to discrimination which is a significant reason that DOMA needs to be repealed.

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Gay Marriage & the States: New York

Bernadette Coveney Smith - Monday, December 07, 2009

I will be the first to admit that the gay marriage situation in New York state is confusing. Let me try to break it down:

New York does not currently issue marriage licenses to gay couples
New York will recognize gay marriages performed in other states
New Yorkers who work for the state and have a gay marriage performed elsewhere will receive some government benefits
New York Governor Paterson supports gay marriage and introduced a bill to legalize it; this bill also passed the NY Assembly (equivalent of the House), but on December 2, was voted down by the NY Senate.
New York state has a law banning discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation (though not gender identity).
According to the Williams Institute, in 2005, there were 50,854 same-sex couples living in New York state (more male than female couples).

A good number of my clients come from New York State to legally marry here in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Vermont. I'm originally from New York and am really hopeful that New York state will legalize gay marriage before Gov. Paterson leaves office.

Do you know of anyone in New York who has gone to another state to legally marry?

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Gay Weddings are Good for Business

No Gay Marriage? No Problem!

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What You Can Learn from MyKateParkerWedding.com

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Martha's Fearlessness

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Washington Post Mention

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Two Aisles

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What's a Civil Union?

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Should Your 2010 Marketing Plan Include a LGBT Strategy?

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Separating Your Website for Straight and Gay Clients

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Tax Implications for Gay Couples

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Gay Marriage & the States: New York

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