Gay Weddings are Good for Business

The next two weekends, I have two weddings which will each have a sizable number of transgender guests. I'm in the process of creating signage for a few restrooms that say, All Genders (in one instance) and Unisex (in the other). 

Here's why:

• Non-trans individuals frequently feel the need to "police" restrooms if they see someone who may be, for example, a very butch woman who may look like a man, in the women's room. This isn't a wedding situation but happens in general. 
• Non-trans guests are less likely to do a double-take at someone's gender presentation if they are in a neutral restroom. 
• Some people feel neither male nor female, but rather somewhere in between - and would prefer a space where they don't have to choose a gendered restroom.

You may encounter a similar situation or client request. Roll with it and make the signs. It's not a big deal and may make your clients and their guests more comfortable.

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

• What to call a gay wedding
• Differences between straight and gay weddings
• Best places for your advertising dollars
• Engaged same-sex couples, blogging about their wedding plans
• Why the Federal Government won't recognize gay marriags
• Neutralizing the language on your website
• What churches perform gay wedding ceremonies?
• Turn-offs for gay and lesbian couples
• Data about gay weddings
• What do some lesbian brides like to be called?
• How to address gay wedding invitations
• Defining transgender - and what does this mean for gay weddings?

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business!  And they are great for society.

Proposition 8 was the ballot initiative in California in which voters voted to ban same-sex marriage, 5.5 months after it first began in the state in 2008.  18,000 same-sex couples were married in those 5.5 months.  There's been a highly publicized challenge to this voter referendum and that challenge was ruled on today, overturning the vote.

What does the California's judge's ruling against Proposition 8 mean for your wedding business?

Right now, it doesn't mean anything.  To be honest, while this is a big victory, this ruling will be appealed and the case is very likely to end up at the U.S. Supreme Court.  A year or two before there's any final decision and even then, marriage equality victory is not guaranteed. This CNN article explains the next steps for Proposition 8.

I'm just being realistic.  In the meantime, there are lots of things you can do to prepare your business:

• start volunteering for Equality California or whichever marriage equality organization exists in your state
• neutralize the language on your website, marketing materials and contract materials
• identify images and graphics which are less obviously bride-and-groom for your marketing materials
• familiarize yourself with some gay wedding traditions
• attend one of my upcoming workshops

I'm commonly asked why so few same-sex marriages occur in places of worship rather than simply at the reception site.  The answer is easy - not many religions accept same-sex marriage.  Here's the rundown for you in case you are asked by a couple.  On many occasions, I've had to call around to local churches and specifically ask, "do you allow gay marriages to be held in your church?"  It leads some pretty awkward conversations so hopefully this guide will help:

Faiths Allowing Same-Sex Marriages

• United Church of Christ: The United Church of Christ was the first mainstream Christian church to fully support same-sex marriage and perform marriage ceremonies. 
• Jewish: Reform Judaism embraces same-sex marriage and rabbis can perform ceremonies.
• Quaker: The willingness to perform gay marriages varies by meetinghouse, but there is some acceptance and performance of same-sex marriages among Quakers. 
• Metropolitan Community Church
• Unitarian Universalist

Faiths Allowing Limited Same-Sex Marriage

• Episcopal: In the Episcopal Church, priests are authorized to bless same-sex wedding ceremonies but not declare the marriage official or sign the marriage license. Episcopal priests in Eastern Massachusetts can fully marry same-sex couples without conditions. 

Faiths Disallowing Same-Sex Marriages

• Lutheran: Lutheran ministers will not conduct same-sex marriages and will not allow them to be held in their churches but are authorized to "bless" the unions. 
• Baptists: Southern Baptist and Conservative Baptist churches will not conduct same-sex marriages, nor will they allow them to be held in their churches. Some American Baptist churches are open and inclusive. 
• Methodist
• Catholic
• Presbyterian

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year.  A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding.  I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.  

What do you say in such a situation?  If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate.  My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned.  I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate?  Here are a few tips:

• Listen more than talk.  
• Follow their lead.  If the client is angry, you can express anger.  If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy.  If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
• Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

 

There is a great article in today's New York Times about the business of gay weddings.  The article focuses on the founders of Equally Wed, the new same-sex wedding website which features articles, advice and a message board for engaged LGBT couples.  The founders of that site, like many other sites providing resources to same-sex couples, saw a need for resources that specifically understand the needs of same-sex couples.  That's why I started my gay wedding planning company 6.5 years ago and is why I'm the blogger on TheKnot.com's site for gay weddings, Gay.Weddings.com.

Equally Wed, Gay.Weddings.com and their counterparts, QueerlyWed.com, GayWeddings.com, RainbowWeddingNetwork.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com also mentioned in the article are doing great things to respond to the unique (and yes they are unique) needs of those couples. 

Because I work closely with wedding industry vendors, in addition to couples, I am asked by vendors for advice on how to do the right thing.  Many well-meaning vendors assume the industry is integrated and that same-sex and opposite-sex couples experience the same trials and tribulations during their planning.  They assume that same-sex and opposite-sex couples appear side-by-side on wedding blogs, in magazines and in online wedding directories.  We're not there yet.  

But we're getting there.  The same-sex couples featured in Brides magazine and Martha Stewart will help.  But the reality is that there is still a need for a separate space for LGBT couples which is the reason for those sites.  

It's my company's mission to eliminate homophobia and heterosexism (the mostly accidental assumption that every couple is a bride and a groom) from the wedding industry.  That's a lofty goal.  But when it's all said and done, I care more about integration than segregation.  

I'd like to put myself out of business - but I need the help of those well-meaning vendors, Publishers and Editors.  We all have to do the right thing and stop making assumptions about the gender of the couple.  We all have to understand the unique needs of same-sex couples.  It's not just good for society but it's good for business. 

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek from A Regal Affair who wrote to me with this question:  do same-sex couples change their last names after marriage?  What are some trends you've seen?

• Same-sex couples who have been together for years are most likely to keep their original last names.
• Same-sex couples who are 35 and younger are more inclined to changing their names.

I've seen hyphenated last names - like my wife, Jennifer Coveney-Smith.  I've seen non-hyphenated like me, Bernadette Coveney Smith (yes, we did something different).  I've seen one partner take the others' last name, like my brides who are getting married on Saturday, who will both use the last name of DeMarco.  

But I love it when same-sex couples invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as they begin a new life together, they do so with a new name.  

Examples:
Old names: Caulfield and Stansberry
New last name:  Stansfield (merging Caulfield and Stansberry)

Old names:  Zeitlin and Sakash
New name:  Zash

What does this mean for you in the wedding industry?  First, don't assume that you'll know what the couple is doing.  Second, if you know it, use their new last names in post-wedding correspondence.   Third, be mindful that it's much easier for a legally married individual to change his or her name than someone who is not legally married.  All my clients have to show is a certified copy of their marriage license, like any other person.  Same-sex couples who have commitment ceremonies and are not legally married have to go through their state's name change process (which typically involves petitioning a judge).  I talked to a couple recently who were denied the name change by a homophobic judge.

What have you seen some couples do regarding their last names after marriage?

Community Marketing Inc has released the Top 25 US Destinations for American LGBT Travelers.  Note that from this list of 25 cities, only three are places where gay marriage is legal (Boston, Provincetown and Washington, DC).  Also note that some cities and states where gay marriage IS legal aren't on the list - hello Des Moines!  What about New Haven?!

If your wedding business covers any of these cities and markets, you should pay special attention to this blog to learn more about the needs and expectations of the lucrative same-sex wedding market.  If your city is on this list, when gay marriage becomes legal in your area, you can expect a large surge of new potential clients. Percentage is the amount who visited and spent the night in a hotel...

1) New York City: 32%
2) San Francisco: 27%
3) Las Vegas: 26%
4) Chicago: 25%
5) Los Angeles / West Hollywood: 24%
6) Washington, DC: 23%
7) Fort Lauderdale: 17%
8) San Diego: 15%
9) Orlando: 14%
9) Seattle: 14%
11) Boston: 13%
11) Philadelphia: 13%
13) Palm Springs 12%
13) Atlanta: 12%
13) Miami: 12%
16) Dallas: 11%
16) Denver: 11%
16) Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale: 11%
19) New Orleans: 10%
20) Napa County, CA: 9%
20) Provincetown, MA: 9%
20) Sonoma County, CA: 9%
23) Portland, OR 8%
23) Baltimore: 8%
23) Tampa/St. Pete: 8%

How does your city rank?

Today, a district court judge ruled that part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutional.  You can learn more more about the Defense of Marriage Act by following that link, but essentially, it means that my gay marriage in Massachusetts is meaningless most everywhere else including at the federal level and in most states.  Currently this ruling only affects Massachusetts residents.

The law explicitly includes a piece that U.S. states that don't allow gay marriage don't have to recognize gay marriages performed in U.S. states that do.

If this ruling stands, it is significant for a number of reasons and may impact your wedding business:

• Similar lawsuits will follow, opening the door to federal recognition by couples who live in Connecticut, Vermont, and the other places gay marriage is legal.
• You'll see more large receptions in your state hosted by couples who marry where it's legal and return home - the number of couples traveling to legally marry will jump dramatically because it will actually mean something (benefits) on the federal level!
• This should open the door for more states to legalize gay marriage as they see money lost to states where it is.
• Other parts of DOMA that impact the 45 states where gay marriage is illegal are also being challenged.  These states may be forced to recognize gay marriages performed in states where it is.  This means more weddings!
• This ruling will mean more wedding sales for all of us - an annual increase of $9.5 billion when gay marriage is legalized nationally (according to Forbes)