Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Gender Neutral Restroom Signs

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 13:49:00 GMT

The next two weekends, I have two weddings which will each have a sizable number of transgender guests. I'm in the process of creating signage for a few restrooms that say, All Genders (in one instance) and Unisex (in the other).

Here's why:

Non-trans individuals frequently feel the need to "police" restrooms if they see someone who may be, for example, a very butch woman who may look like a man, in the women's room. This isn't a wedding situation but happens in general.
Non-trans guests are less likely to do a double-take at someone's gender presentation if they are in a neutral restroom.
Some people feel neither male nor female, but rather somewhere in between - and would prefer a space where they don't have to choose a gendered restroom.

You may encounter a similar situation or client request. Roll with it and make the signs. It's not a big deal and may make your clients and their guests more comfortable.

Gay Wedding Advice for Wedding Vendors

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 23:04:00 GMT

In light of the fact that gay marriages are set to resume in California next week, here are a few blogs and blog posts that are an absolute must-read for any wedding vendor looking to work with same-sex couples on their wedding plans:

If you read through these articles, I promise that you will have a leg-up on your competition when it comes to bringing in new business to your company - gay weddings are good for business! And they are great for society.

Which One of You is the Bride?

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 15:14:00 GMT

If two women walk into a cake tasting or a flower shop and the person who greets them says, "Welcome! Now, which one of you is the bride?" - that is an example of heterosexism.

Or if two guys walk into a a cake tasting or a flower shop and the person who greets them says, "Welcome! Now, where's the bride?" - that is also heterosexist.

Heterosexism (also known as heteronormative) is the assumption that everyone is straight.

If someone is heterosexist, it doesn't make them a bad person. It doesn't mean that they hate gay people. It just means that they probably don't know very many gay people and gay things (like gay weddings) simply aren't on their radar.

These types of conversations during gay wedding planning are awkward for the couple, awkward for the vendor and don't start the meeting on the right foot.

Most people are unconsciously heterosexist. And that's OK. It's my job to help with that.

Are you accidentally, unconsciously heterosexist? What you have you done to change some of your assumptions?

What Does the Ruling Against Prop 8 Mean for Your Wedding Business?

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 01:27:00 GMT

Proposition 8 was the ballot initiative in California in which voters voted to ban same-sex marriage, 5.5 months after it first began in the state in 2008. 18,000 same-sex couples were married in those 5.5 months. There's been a highly publicized challenge to this voter referendum and that challenge was ruled on today, overturning the vote.

What does the California's judge's ruling against Proposition 8 mean for your wedding business?

Right now, it doesn't mean anything. To be honest, while this is a big victory, this ruling will be appealed and the case is very likely to end up at the U.S. Supreme Court. A year or two before there's any final decision and even then, marriage equality victory is not guaranteed. This CNN article explains the next steps for Proposition 8.

I'm just being realistic. In the meantime, there are lots of things you can do to prepare your business:

start volunteering for Equality California or whichever marriage equality organization exists in your state
neutralize the language on your website, marketing materials and contract materials
identify images and graphics which are less obviously bride-and-groom for your marketing materials
familiarize yourself with some gay wedding traditions
attend one of my upcoming workshops

Whether or not you live in California, these are just a few important steps that will help you get ready for what will be an eventual tidal wave of same-sex weddings.

Which Churches Allow Gay Marriage?

Mon, 09 Aug 2010 15:43:00 GMT

I'm commonly asked why so few same-sex marriages occur in places of worship rather than simply at the reception site. The answer is easy - not many religions accept same-sex marriage. Here's the rundown for you in case you are asked by a couple. On many occasions, I've had to call around to local churches and specifically ask, "do you allow gay marriages to be held in your church?" It leads some pretty awkward conversations so hopefully this guide will help:

Faiths Allowing Same-Sex Marriages

United Church of Christ: The United Church of Christ was the first mainstream Christian church to fully support same-sex marriage and perform marriage ceremonies.
Jewish: Reform Judaism embraces same-sex marriage and rabbis can perform ceremonies.
Quaker: The willingness to perform gay marriages varies by meetinghouse, but there is some acceptance and performance of same-sex marriages among Quakers.
Metropolitan Community Church
Unitarian Universalist

Faiths Allowing Limited Same-Sex Marriage

Episcopal: In the Episcopal Church, priests are authorized to bless same-sex wedding ceremonies but not declare the marriage official or sign the marriage license. Episcopal priests in Eastern Massachusetts can fully marry same-sex couples without conditions.

Faiths Disallowing Same-Sex Marriages

Lutheran: Lutheran ministers will not conduct same-sex marriages and will not allow them to be held in their churches but are authorized to "bless" the unions.
Baptists: Southern Baptist and Conservative Baptist churches will not conduct same-sex marriages, nor will they allow them to be held in their churches. Some American Baptist churches are open and inclusive.
Methodist
Catholic
Presbyterian

In addition, I do not know of any Eastern religions which sanction gay marriage and perform same-sex marriage ceremonies.

Have you seen many gay weddings occur in churches?

What Do You Say to a Couple Whose Parents Won't Come to their Gay Wedding?

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 21:12:00 GMT

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year. A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding. I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.

What do you say in such a situation? If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate. My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned. I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate? Here are a few tips:

Listen more than talk.
Follow their lead. If the client is angry, you can express anger. If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy. If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

Have you had a client in this situation? If so, what did you do to show your support?

New York Times Article About the Business of Gay Weddings

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 16:30:00 GMT

There is a great article in today's New York Times about the business of gay weddings. The article focuses on the founders of Equally Wed, the new same-sex wedding website which features articles, advice and a message board for engaged LGBT couples. The founders of that site, like many other sites providing resources to same-sex couples, saw a need for resources that specifically understand the needs of same-sex couples. That's why I started my gay wedding planning company 6.5 years ago and is why I'm the blogger on TheKnot.com's site for gay weddings, Gay.Weddings.com.

Equally Wed, Gay.Weddings.com and their counterparts, QueerlyWed.com, GayWeddings.com, RainbowWeddingNetwork.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com also mentioned in the article are doing great things to respond to the unique (and yes they are unique) needs of those couples.

Because I work closely with wedding industry vendors, in addition to couples, I am asked by vendors for advice on how to do the right thing. Many well-meaning vendors assume the industry is integrated and that same-sex and opposite-sex couples experience the same trials and tribulations during their planning. They assume that same-sex and opposite-sex couples appear side-by-side on wedding blogs, in magazines and in online wedding directories. We're not there yet.

But we're getting there. The same-sex couples featured in Brides magazine and Martha Stewart will help. But the reality is that there is still a need for a separate space for LGBT couples which is the reason for those sites.

It's my company's mission to eliminate homophobia and heterosexism (the mostly accidental assumption that every couple is a bride and a groom) from the wedding industry. That's a lofty goal. But when it's all said and done, I care more about integration than segregation.

I'd like to put myself out of business - but I need the help of those well-meaning vendors, Publishers and Editors. We all have to do the right thing and stop making assumptions about the gender of the couple. We all have to understand the unique needs of same-sex couples. It's not just good for society but it's good for business.

Do Same-Sex Couples Change their Name when Married?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 12:51:00 GMT

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek from A Regal Affair who wrote to me with this question: do same-sex couples change their last names after marriage? What are some trends you've seen?

Same-sex couples who have been together for years are most likely to keep their original last names.
Same-sex couples who are 35 and younger are more inclined to changing their names.

I've seen hyphenated last names - like my wife, Jennifer Coveney-Smith. I've seen non-hyphenated like me, Bernadette Coveney Smith (yes, we did something different). I've seen one partner take the others' last name, like my brides who are getting married on Saturday, who will both use the last name of DeMarco.

But I love it when same-sex couples invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names. That's kind of fun - as they begin a new life together, they do so with a new name.

Examples:
Old names: Caulfield and Stansberry
New last name: Stansfield (merging Caulfield and Stansberry)

Old names: Zeitlin and Sakash
New name: Zash

What does this mean for you in the wedding industry? First, don't assume that you'll know what the couple is doing. Second, if you know it, use their new last names in post-wedding correspondence. Third, be mindful that it's much easier for a legally married individual to change his or her name than someone who is not legally married. All my clients have to show is a certified copy of their marriage license, like any other person. Same-sex couples who have commitment ceremonies and are not legally married have to go through their state's name change process (which typically involves petitioning a judge). I talked to a couple recently who were denied the name change by a homophobic judge.

What have you seen some couples do regarding their last names after marriage?

Top 25 Destinations for LGBT Travelers

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 19:52:00 GMT

Community Marketing Inc has released the Top 25 US Destinations for American LGBT Travelers. Note that from this list of 25 cities, only three are places where gay marriage is legal (Boston, Provincetown and Washington, DC). Also note that some cities and states where gay marriage IS legal aren't on the list - hello Des Moines! What about New Haven?!

If your wedding business covers any of these cities and markets, you should pay special attention to this blog to learn more about the needs and expectations of the lucrative same-sex wedding market. If your city is on this list, when gay marriage becomes legal in your area, you can expect a large surge of new potential clients. Percentage is the amount who visited and spent the night in a hotel...

1) New York City: 32%
2) San Francisco: 27%
3) Las Vegas: 26%
4) Chicago: 25%
5) Los Angeles / West Hollywood: 24%
6) Washington, DC: 23%
7) Fort Lauderdale: 17%
8) San Diego: 15%
9) Orlando: 14%
9) Seattle: 14%
11) Boston: 13%
11) Philadelphia: 13%
13) Palm Springs 12%
13) Atlanta: 12%
13) Miami: 12%
16) Dallas: 11%
16) Denver: 11%
16) Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale: 11%
19) New Orleans: 10%
20) Napa County, CA: 9%
20) Provincetown, MA: 9%
20) Sonoma County, CA: 9%
23) Portland, OR 8%
23) Baltimore: 8%
23) Tampa/St. Pete: 8%

How does your city rank?

What DOMA Being Struck Down Means for Wedding Vendors

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:43:00 GMT

Today, a district court judge ruled that part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutional. You can learn more more about the Defense of Marriage Act by following that link, but essentially, it means that my gay marriage in Massachusetts is meaningless most everywhere else including at the federal level and in most states. Currently this ruling only affects Massachusetts residents.

The law explicitly includes a piece that U.S. states that don't allow gay marriage don't have to recognize gay marriages performed in U.S. states that do.

If this ruling stands, it is significant for a number of reasons and may impact your wedding business:

Similar lawsuits will follow, opening the door to federal recognition by couples who live in Connecticut, Vermont, and the other places gay marriage is legal.
You'll see more large receptions in your state hosted by couples who marry where it's legal and return home - the number of couples traveling to legally marry will jump dramatically because it will actually mean something (benefits) on the federal level!
This should open the door for more states to legalize gay marriage as they see money lost to states where it is.
Other parts of DOMA that impact the 45 states where gay marriage is illegal are also being challenged. These states may be forced to recognize gay marriages performed in states where it is. This means more weddings!
This ruling will mean more wedding sales for all of us - an annual increase of $9.5 billion when gay marriage is legalized nationally (according to Forbes)

Gay marriage is obviously a hot button political issue, with only half the country in support. But it's also an economic issue. My home state has seen more than $120 million pumped into its economy from gay marriage in the past six years. Today's court ruling is the first step in that process. Gay weddings are good for business - and they are good for society.

Is your company ready to reach this emerging and lucrative wedding market? Or does your marketing plan need a tune-up so you don't unwittingly alienate these couples? Where do you stand and what are you going to do about it? I can help.

Rainbows and Pink Triangles

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 16:08:00 GMT

I recently spoke to wedding professionals in DC and one of the points I made is that gay couples don't like to be tokenized. Despite your best intentions, it's annoying for us to hear things like, "I went to college with a lot of gay people." And if you are a wedding vendor, there is no need to put rainbows on your website. There are better ways to show your inclusivity.

Truthfully, modern gays and lesbians aren't that into rainbows. They have a lovely meaning and the meaning of the pink triangle is very powerful - but we find both symbols to be cheesy and dated. Rainbows and pink triangles aren't going to offend gays and lesbians, nor are they politically incorrect. But they are very "old school." So while you can put rainbows in your marketing materials, you might find that the modern engaged gay or lesbian couple isn't into it.

If you choose to use a symbol, a more modern alternative is the HRC symbol, the yellow equals on the blue background. You may see this on bumper stickers - it's very common and we all know what it means.

Do you use rainbows, pink triangles or other symbols to signify your support of LGBT individuals?

Working with Younger Same-Sex Couples

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:59:00 GMT

Last week I wrote about the characteristics of same-sex couples who have been together a long time! Today I'll talk about the couples who are more of a traditional marrying age, in their twenties. This is what you should expect from this type of fabulous same-sex couple:

at least one set of parents will be involved, sharing their opinions and expectations even if they are not paying for much, if any, of the wedding
the couple grew up in an age when gay marriage is part of their expected journey (the first state to have gay marriage in the U.S. happened in 2004)
this couple may not be very aware of the laws and policies around gay marriage and the additional steps necessary to further protect their families
this is typically the first marriage for both and no children are involved
the couple is more aware of their planning resources as a couple and will turn to bridal magazines and blogs for information and inspiration
this couple may have a lower budget because of the lack of parental support and lack of time in the workforce
this couple's wedding will be more similar to a traditional straight wedding (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

As a wedding professional, what is your strategy to reach this younger same-sex couple? I'll give you a hint - SoYoureEnGAYged is doing things right...

Working with Same-Sex Couples Together for Years

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:48:00 GMT

As you start working with engaged same-sex couples, you'll probably first start getting business from couples who have been together for YEARS! These couples may be in their late 30s to 50s or older and are so eager to get married. They probably never expected to see it in their lifetime. Here's what you should expect from these couples:

very little, if any, parental involvement in the decision-making process
pay for the wedding entirely by themselves
may have been previously married to members of the opposite sex
may have children from those previous straight marriages
a strong appreciation of the legality of their gay marriage
a deep appreciation of YOU as a vendor and your kindness to them as a same-sex couple
a willingness to be less traditional in their gay wedding ceremony
a wedding reception that may be more of an elegant formal dinner party than a typical wedding reception with dancing
often plan their wedding on a short lead time
smaller weddings, with fewer than 100 guests, often fewer than 50

These couples are great for many reasons but I can tell you from my personal experience that they will appreciate you so much. They do not take you or gay marriage for granted because up until six years ago, it didn't even seem possible. The gratitude and jubilation they feel and you feel is intoxicating!

Have you worked with couples who fit this description? What was your experience?

If this is your target market, what strategies do you suggest to reaching them?

Marketing to Same-Sex Couples at Wedding Expos

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 15:29:00 GMT

I've been getting this question from vendors a lot, especially as gay marriage came to D.C. recently and as a gay wedding expo is scheduled for Massachusetts: is it worth my time and money to sign up for a booth at a "gay wedding expo" or other gay wedding show?

It's a great question that comes down to more of a fundamental marketing strategy. Ask yourself these questions:

Who is my target market?
Are they male or female?
What wedding budget do you typically work with?

Two Bright Lights recently released data which indicated that wedding expos/shows don't generate many bookings and don't generate them often. In fact, compared to other forms of advertising (print ads, google, other online listings etc), they're pretty much a waste of money.

So why would gay wedding expos be any different? They're not, really.

I used to have booths at expos and with a one-off exception, gave it up 3+ years ago. The mostly female couples who attend (and trickle in, let's be honest) aren't often there to commit to a purchase. They are not typically affluent couples, so if you are a wedding planner seeking to reach an affluent couple who can afford your services, wedding shows in general and gay wedding shows, specifically, are not the place to find them.

My advice is to skip the shows and choose a different marketing strategy to reach same-sex couples. What did you decide and how was your experience?

Being Open-Minded to Subcultures Within the LGBT Community

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 18:42:00 GMT

A few weeks ago, I was at a networking event catching up with a wedding planner who had gone through my training for wedding pros. She was telling me about her first gay wedding client and how, through my training, she was able to be sensitive to their unique needs. And unique they were....

The planner mentioned that I never said anything in my training about a trio.

And I'm not talking about a string or a jazz trio.

I did talk in my training about how it's important to be completely open to subcultures within the LGBT community - and I used the example of leather bears for whom I produced a bear-themed wedding. This particular couple mentioned that there would be some trios at the wedding. They were referring to not a couple, but a threesome, and not just a sexual threesome but a relationship trio. Not a couple but a trio, all committed to each other.

At first this planner was thrown off but she rolled with it and it's all good. And that's what you have to do...there are too many subcultures for me to get into, but the key is to be open minded and have a laid back approach if you really want to work with same-sex couples.

What's the most outrageous comment you've ever heard from a same-sex couple?